Attack of the Gnomes Page 2

  “Ooookay. Anyway, so, Zombie, what’s up?”

  “Dude, I need to know how to get rid of a curse!” I said.

  “A curse, huh? Yeah, those are really tough to get rid of,” Steve said. “What kind of curse was it?”

  “I don’t know. All I know is that I have been having the worst luck these past few days.”

  “Uh, oh, a bad luck curse. Those are the worst,” Steve said. “I remember getting one of those once. Talk about drama.”

  That was not what I wanted to hear.

  “Well, can you help me get rid of it?”

  “Usually a bad luck curse can only be stopped by some kind of good luck charm,” Steve said.

  “What’s that?”

  “A good luck charm is an object that has been infused with magic by undergoing some type of supernatural ritual,” Steve said. “Like an Ender Pearl.”

  “What’s an Ender Pearl?”

  “Well, an Ender Pearl is a special magical stone that brings good luck to its owner,” Steve said. ”It’s what helped me get over my curse.”

  “So where can I get one?”

  “Well, they’re not easy to get. You have to get one from an Enderman.”

  “Oh, that’s easy. I’ll just get one from this Enderman kid in my class named Franklin.”

  “Uh. . .well, it’s not that simple. You see, Ender Pearls come from Endermen,” Steve said, making weird gestures with his hands.

  “Huh?”

  “You know. . .from an Enderman. . .” Steve said again while making more funny gestures with his hands.

  “Hmm?”

  “All right, you get Ender Pearls from Enderman poop, okay?” Steve said.

  “Wait. . .what?”

  “Yeah, you’re going to have to get a little dirty if you want to get your hands on an Ender Pearl. Up to your elbows.”

  “Ewwwww. Seriously?”

  “Yep. And you can’t just ask for it either. Endermen are really shy when it comes to their bodily functions. So, they’ll never talk about it,” Steve said. “You’re going to have to take it.”

  What?!

  Man, I did not like the sound of that.

  But I knew if I didn’t get something to help me get rid of this curse, my life was going to full of a lot of drama. . .

  Or really big explosions.

  So I called Franklin and asked him if I could come over.

  Ding, Dong!

  “Hey, Zombie?” Franklin said. “I was really happy when you called. I don’t have a lot of friends, so I was really excited when said you wanted to hang out.”

  Yeah, Franklin doesn’t have a lot of friends because he’s kinda, you know. . .weird.

  It’s just that he does some really freaky stuff, which kinda makes him a big target for the kids at school.

  Like, one day he started eating brownie rolls in swim class.

  What made it weird is that no one had ever seen a brownie roll, until that day.

  So watching Franklin eat brown rolls while in the pool had a really weird effect on the other kids.

  I heard the other kids couldn’t stop projectile vomiting on each other.

  Like I said. . .weird.

  “What would you like to play?” Franklin asked me. “I know all kind of games. But my favorite is, ‘Find my Belly Button.’”

  Wait. . .what?

  “Uh. . .can I use your bathroom first?” I asked him.

  “Sure, it’s right over there.”

  After my bathroom break, I had to find a way to get an Ender Pearl from Franklin.

  So, I convinced him to have an eating contest.

  His mom just baked a whole bunch of brownie rolls, too.

  Figures.

  So we went at it for like an hour.

  I thought for sure that Franklin would have to go to the bathroom after eating all those brownie rolls.

  But he just kept chugging them like they were candy.

  So I tried adding some hot spices to his food.

  Spicy food always makes my butt sneeze, so I was sure they would do the trick.

  But Franklin just inhaled his food like a vacuum cleaner.

  Man, no wonder I couldn’t find his belly button.

  All of a sudden, halfway through our eating contest I heard. . .

  “FRANLKIN!”

  It was Franklin’s dad.

  “Who put a Ziploc storage bag in the toilet?!!”

  Oh, man. I was sure the jig was up. My Ender Pearl catcher was discovered.

  “Well, the toilet’s all backed up now,” Franklin’s dad said. “There’s poop everywhere. Now who’s going to help me clean up this mess?”

  “I’ll be happy to help,” I said.

  Ender Pearl, here I come.

  After an hour of helping clean up, I think Franklin’s dad figured it was time for me to go home.

  I think he might have gotten weirded out when I started swimming in Ender poo.

  Or when I started putting it in my pockets.

  Or when I started making poo angels.

  And it really didn’t help that Franklin kept yelling, “Marco!”

  After I got home, I was totally bummed I didn’t find an Ender Pearl.

  So I called Steve to let him know what happened.

  “Oh, yeah,” Steve said.

  “About that. . .”

  Sunday

  Yesterday, I was totally up to my elbows in Endermen poo.

  All because I totally forgot that Steve loves to play practical jokes.

  Yeah, he got me good.

  I wanted to get him back, but he just went out of town for a few days.

  Yeah, you’d better run.

  But, I’m back at square one.

  Like, how am I supposed to get rid of this bad luck curse now?

  As I was thinking about it, I bumped into old man Jenkins on the street.

  He told me that all I needed to do to ward off bad luck was to hang a rabbit’s foot around my neck.

  I know it sounded kind of nasty, but I needed all the help I could get.

  So, I found a cute little bunny in the forest. . .

  . . .And now I’m carrying around a rabbit’s foot around my neck.

  It’s really itchy, though.

  I just wished old man Jenkins told me how to keep the rabbit from moving around so much.

  Monday

  I got a lot of weird looks at school today.

  Well you know, more than I usually do.

  I think it was because of the rabbit’s foot around my neck.

  I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s not like he’s moving around anymore.

  And I only had to use a few staples. . .

  But that was the least of my worries.

  I still had a witch’s death curse hanging over my head, which could strike at any moment.

  So I did everything I could to stay away from anything dangerous.

  Like, I totally stayed out of the boy’s bathroom.

  Which is like the most dangerous place in school.

  Especially when there are Minecraft kids around.

  Like, the other day, a Wither kid came down with a bad case of the runs.

  And it didn’t help he had three heads.

  Or three butts.

  Man. . .talk about explosive diarrhea.

  Monday

  Later that night. . .

  After dinner today, the weirdest stuff happened.

  First, when I was getting ready for bed, I thought I heard something.

  It sounded like little feet running around in my room.

  Then, when I was brushing my teeth, I thoug
ht I saw a shadow behind me.

  I was really getting spooked.

  Oh, yeah, by the way, I started brushing my teeth a few weeks ago.

  I know I only have a few, but I wanted them to look nice.

  So, my mom bought me a new Zombie toothpaste.

  It gets my teeth a nice yellowish brown, which makes me look real manly.

  And it’s supposed to attract maggots, which is always good.

  Comes in handy when I get hungry in the middle of the night.

  So after I finished brushing my teeth, I laid down.

  But then, I thought I heard something under my bed.

  So, of course, by now, I was totally freaked out.

  I thought maybe I should look under my bed. But knowing my luck, there’s probably a clown down there, ready to rip my face off.

  Man, I really hate clowns.

  So, I decided to be strong and look under the bed to see what it was.

  Yeah, I know, you should never do that.

  Like in the movies, I always yell at the dumb kid when he decides to check under the bed.

  But I couldn’t help it.

  I think stupidity comes with puberty, so I’m not responsible for my actions.

  So then, I slowly started to peek under the bed.

  And I took my time too.

  I’m going to make that creepy clown fight for his lunch, I thought.

  Just a little more, and I could see what was under there.

  Just a little more. . .

  Just a little more. . .

  RRRRAAAWWWRRRR!!!!

  Tuesday

  Psyche!

  Oh, sorry.

  I forgot to tell you that I like to play practical jokes too.

  I hope you didn’t pee your pants or anything.

  Anyway, I couldn’t find whatever was causing those weird noises in my room last night.

  It was just too weird and creepy.

  But, my mom’s toothpaste worked like a charm.

  Best midnight snack, ever.

  My bad luck hasn’t changed, though.

  Like when I was walking to school this morning, I got splashed and covered in this blue liquid.

  I didn’t even know where it came from.

  All I remember was an airplane flew over my head, which I thought was really cool.

  And next thing I know, I’m covered in blue juice.

  Man, that stuff was really hard to get off my clothes.

  And out of my mouth.

  . . .Especially the chunks.

  But today we had school field trip, which I was totally psyched about.

  “Hey, Ms. Bones, where are we going today?” one kid asked.

  “We’re going to the Minecraft Geological Museum,” Ms. Bones said. “It’s supposed to have all rarest gems from all around Minecraft.”

  “Whoa!”

  “Ms. Bones, do they have diamonds?” another kid asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Do they have Redstone?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do they have Lapis Lazuli?”

  “Yes.”

  “I like her. She’s purty.”

  “Wait. . .what?”

  “Do they have Emeralds?”

  “Actually, they have the largest Emerald in all of Minecraft.”

  “Whoa!”

  Yeah, this is trip is going to be so cool.

  Tuesday

  Later that day. . .

  At the museum, we saw all kinds of gems from all of Minecraft.

  They had every gem you could ever imagine.

  But the coolest part of the trip was the giant Emerald exhibit.

  When we walked in, it was awesome.

  There was a giant Emerald that was so big, it was bigger than me and Skelly standing on top of each other.

  There was a Zombie geologist there that was giving us the tour. She taught us everything about the Emerald we wanted to know.

  “Where did it come from?” Skelly asked.

  “This marvelous specimen was deep within the earth until one day it was spit up into the air when a giant volcano erupted 600 million years ago.”

  “Whoa!”

  “Who found it?” Alex asked.

  “Actually, it was a joint expedition between the Minecraft world and the human world. As a matter of fact, the giant Emerald has two parts. This is only one of them.”

  “Where’s the other part?”

  “The humans have the other part,” the geologists said. “It was said that if the two parts came together, they would be too powerful to control. So we decided to keep one and let the humans keep one far away in the human world.”

  “Whoa!”

  “How powerful are they?” Cassie asked

  “Well,” the geologist continued. “They are said to be so powerful that together they can control the minds of any Minecraft Mobs that comes close to it. That is why this Emerald is also known in some circles as the Mind Emerald.”

  “Whoa!”

  Yeah, this trip was really off the hook.

  Wednesday

  Today I had to write an essay for homework about our field trip yesterday.

  Ms. Bones said that the essay had to be five hundred words.

  The only problem is that I don’t know five hundred words.

  Man, I don’t think I even know a hundred words.

  But there are words that I really like.

  Words like. . .

  Cake!

  Or booger.

  Or nose maggot.

  I don’t know why, but those words just make me feel tingly all over.

  Now, there are probably words that a Zombie should never say.

  I guess it’s because they sound so weird.

  Words like. . .

  Brains.

  Or entrails.

  Or ears.

  Ewwww. So nasty.

  Then there are words that just make no sense. Words like. . .

  Tinkle.

  I mean, I don’t get it.

  Whenever I go pee, I don’t hear any bells.

  Although, my ears were ringing when that Wither kid had the runs the other day.

  Talk about a dishonorable discharge.

  Anyway, I’ve got to start writing this essay or I’ll get a big fat F in my class.

  The only problem is that I tend to procraftinate.

  Yeah, I think school might be totally lost on me.

  Thursday

  I woke up this morning, and I was totally late for school!

  I don’t know what happened.

  I sat down to write my essay, and next thing I know I woke up this morning and I was late.

  Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have played a few hours of video games.

  And, yeah, I know I shouldn’t have spent a couple of hours watching cat videos. . .

  . . .or watching epic fail compilations.

  . . .or watching the best Minecraft Memes ever.

  So awesome.

  But I had plenty of time to do my homework, really.

  And it wasn’t my fault somebody left a cup of warm milk by my bed.

  But, next thing I know, I woke up this morning late for school.

  Man, now I know I’m going to get a big fat F in my class!

  What am I going to do?

  Thursday

  Later that day. . .

  Well, I didn’t get an F in my class.

  I guess my luck wasn’t so bad after all.

  I mean, the whole school did burn down.

  But it wasn’t my fault, really.

  I mean, all I did was walk into the
Chemistry class to say hi to my friend Conrad.

  How did I know that they were studying about TNT?

  And, I guess it didn’t help that Conrad was a Creeper.

  Friday

  I saw Alex in school today.

  She was in her Minecraft PVP Sword Fighting class.

  “Hey, Alex.”

  “Hey, Zombie. Do you want to spar with me?” she said as she unsheathed her diamond sword.

  “Oh, no no no no no. I’m a lover not a fighter.”

  “Come on, Zombie, you’ll like it,” she said, handing me a wooden sword.

  Then she stood in front of me in her attack stance.

  “Ready?”

  “Uh. . .I guess so,” I said.

  All of a sudden, “Ahhhhhhhhhh!” Alex yelled as she lunged at me.

  All I could do was scream and close my eyes.

  AAAAAAAH! PLOP!

  “Uh. . .Zombie,” Alex said.

  “Yeah?” I asked with my eyes still closed.

  “I think we’d better go to the nurse’s office,” she said.

  “Huh?”

  When I opened my eyes, all I could see when I looked up was Alex putting my body parts into her backpack.

  After the nurse’s office, Alex and I went to get lunch at the cafeteria.

  “Hey, where’s Cassie?” I asked Alex.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “She’s in two of my classes, but I didn’t see her at all today. Actually, she’s been absent since the field trip.”

  “Yeah, humans can be weird sometimes.”

  Then Alex unsheathed her sword halfway and gave me her usual look.