Attack of the Gnomes Read online

  Table of Contents

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Tuesday

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Friday

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Monday Later that night. . .

  Tuesday

  Tuesday Later that day. . .

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Thursday Later that day. . .

  Friday

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Monday Later that day. . .

  Tuesday

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Thursday Later that night. . .

  Friday

  Find out what happens next!

  Copyright © 2015 Zack Zombie Publishing LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This unofficial novel is an original work of fan fiction which is not sanctioned nor approved by the makers of Minecraft. Minecraft is a registered trademark of, and owned by, Mojang Synergies AB, and its respective owners, which do not sponsor, authorize, or endorse this book. All characters, names, places, and other aspects of the game described herein are trademarked and owned by their respective owners. Minecraft ®/TM & © 2009-2016 Mojang.

  Saturday

  “What is that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “It looks like a troll.”

  “Maybe it’s a baby villager.”

  “Baby villagers don’t have beards. . .do they?”

  “Who knows. Villagers are weird.”

  We all tried to figure out who the small, creepy looking bearded guy in front of the witch’s house was.

  “What’s he doing?”

  “It looks like he’s gardening.”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never seen anybody garden like that.”

  “Well, whatever they are, I think they’re spreading,” Skelly said.

  Skelly was right. Lately, these creepy looking bearded guys. . .or girls. . .have been showing up all over the place.

  It’s like they just popped out of the ground overnight.

  All I can say is that they creep me out.

  Especially when they stare at me with their beady little eyes.

  It’s like, no matter where I move, they just keep looking at me.

  Eyeballs…So wrong.

  Sunday

  Today I was thinking about all the crazy stuff that’s happened to me the past few months.

  It kinda made me wonder if there is something wrong with me.

  Like, is it just me?

  Or is this much drama just part of being a Zombie pre-teen kid?

  I mean, I don’t get it.

  That kid Gabe, down the street, doesn’t have a lot of stuff going on in his life.

  I mean, yeah, he’s a noob.

  But his life is pretty normal.

  Or that other kid, Francis, who lives next door.

  He’s a Zombie. And he’s my age.

  But you don’t see him having crazy drama in his life.

  I just wish that I could live a normal, drama-free life like those guys.

  Now that I think of it, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

  From now on, my number one rule is going to be. . .

  ‘NO DRAMA.’

  That means no matter what happens, if it looks like drama, or even smells like drama, I don’t want it.

  Even if all of Minecraft is going to be destroyed, I’m not getting involved.

  I’m just going to scare villagers, eat boogers, raise crops, and live a normal Minecraft Zombie life.

  Urrrrrggghhhh!

  Look at me, I’m a normal, boring Zombie. . .

  Urrrrrggghhhh!

  Monday

  “Hi, I’m Cassie, I just transferred in from another school,” the girl next to Alex said.

  “Oh. . .uh. . .hi?” Skelly said, stuttering.

  “Hi, I’m Slimey,” Slimey said right before he burst into a bunch of little pieces.

  “Hssssss,” was all Creepy said.

  Yeah, I don’t think these guys are used to talking to girls.

  Especially not human ones.

  “WHAT’S THAT?!!!” Creepy yelled.

  “Oh, that’s Oslow,” Cassie said. “He’s my cat. Say hello, Oslow.”

  MEOOWWWWWWW.

  Hssssss. PLOP!

  “EEEWWWWWWWWW.”

  “Sorry,” Creepy said. “Cats just make me nervous, thasss all.”

  “Hey, Cassie. I’m Zack. But you can call me Zombie.”

  “Hi, Zombie,” Cassie said as she picked up Oslow.

  “Me and Cassie are going back to our village now,” Alex said. “Just see if you can help Slimey. And while you’re at it, tell Skelly to wipe the drool off his chin.”

  As they were walking away, I could hear Alex say, “Man, even mob boys are weird.”

  It was really good seeing Alex, though.

  What’s really cool is that Alex and Cassie are going to be in our school this semester.

  It’s part of a Villager and Mob Scare school, foreign exchange program.

  Now, the program has been going on for a few months. But there haven’t been any kids brave enough to be part of it.

  That was because the first kid that tried it was a Creeper named Harold.

  He thought it would be fun to go to school with Villagers.

  But somebody forgot to tell the Villager school that Harold was a Creeper.

  First day there, somebody thought it was a good idea to give Harold a high-five.

  Totally ruined it for the rest of us.

  . . .and for Harold.

  But it’s going to be fun having Alex around.

  Yeah, she’s no drama at all.

  Hmm. But, I wonder what Cassie’s all about. . .

  Tuesday

  Well, so far, my life has been as normal and boring as ever.

  It’s kind of weird, actually.

  Usually, I’d hear about a giant meteor about to destroy our planet or a huge volcano about to explode in my backyard.

  Or I’d hear about some aliens that had infiltrated our village and replaced all my friends with life-sized synthetic robots.

  Or there would be some Mojang update that would totally make Minecraft PVP the lamest ever.

  But, you know, I’m not complaining.

  I’m just happy that my life is drama-free.

  KRESH!

  Ow!

  What was that?

  Oh, man. I totally wasn’t looking where I was going. I hope the witch is not upset that I broke her creepy little troll statue.

  Suddenly, the witch came out and gave me a weird look.

  Next thing I know, she started waving her arms around like a crazy lady.

  Oh man, what now?

  “Double, double toil and trouble,

  Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”

  Now what is she doing in front of that cauldron?

/>   “Fillet of a fenny snake,

  In the cauldron boil and bake.”

  Huh?

  “Eye of newt and toe of frog,

  Wool of bat and tongue of dog.”

  Nasty.

  “Adder’s fork and foot of duck,

  Bring this Zombie all bad luck.”

  Wait. . .what did she just say?

  Next thing I know, I felt tingly all over.

  Then the little hairy troll’s head rolled across the grass and got back on his body.

  Oh, it was just a spell to fix the creepy man doll.

  Well, I guess I’m okay.

  Whew!. . .That was close.

  Wednesday

  Just when I thought my life was getting back to normal. . .

  “Isn’t he adorable?”

  “He sure looks deep in thought,” my dad said.

  “Mama, it’s a bunny,” my little brother said.

  “He’s not a bunny, honey, he’s a gnome,” my mom said. “A lot of our neighbors are getting them these days. People say they bring good luck.”

  Of course, my mom was talking about the creepy little troll thing that she brought into our house.

  My mom said she was at the market today and when she saw it, she just couldn’t resist bringing it home.

  Yeah, right.

  Something tells me it’s probably all part of the curse the witch decided to drop on me yesterday.

  “I think I will call him, Laslow,” my mom said. “And he’s going to bring us good luck.”

  Yeah, I think I’m going to need it.

  My mom decided to put it in the garden right outside my window.

  Just what I need. . .

  A creepy old man looking through my window.

  So wrong.

  Thursday

  Boink!

  “Ow!”

  I woke up this morning when my iron sword fell off the wall and hit me on the head.

  “Zombie, what’s going on up there?”

  “Nothing, Mom,” I yelled.

  That’s weird, I thought. That’s never happened before.

  I looked in the mirror, and I had the sword sticking out of my forehead.

  Oh man, I can’t go to school like this.

  It took a few minutes, but I finally got it out.

  The hard part was massaging my head back into shape.

  I think I got it, but I’m not sure.

  After looking at the time, I saw I was late.

  So I grabbed my books and ran down the stairs.

  “Whoa!”

  BUMP!

  BAP!

  BUNK!

  BUHP!

  BLAM!

  “Zombie, what is the matter? You seem clumsier than usual this morning.”

  “I don’t know, Mom,” I said as she handed me my arms.

  “Maybe we need to take you to the doctor,” she said.

  Oh, man, not the doctor.

  I hate going to the doctor.

  Not only does he have really bad breath. . .

  Blech!

  But he has a big, ugly mole on his nose.

  It’s huge.

  One time, when the doctor was examining me, he accidentally touched me with his mole.

  It felt like a big hairy pimple.

  . . .And it was oily.

  Blech!

  But the thing that really bothers me is taking off my skin in front of a total stranger.

  So embarrassing.

  And there’s always a draft. . .

  “I’m okay, Mom, just a little tired. . . that’s all.”

  As I was putting my legs back on, I noticed my skateboard on the floor next to my feet.

  How did that get there? I thought.

  Man, there are some really strange things going on around here.

  Friday

  At school today, all the kids were talking about all the creepy gnomes that started popping up all over the neighborhood.

  “My mom got one, and it looks like its fishing,” Slimey said.

  “My dad got one, and it looks like its surfing,” Skelly said.

  “We got one that throws up rainbows,” Creepy said.

  Whoa, cool!

  “It’s kinda weird how they just started popping up all over the place, right?” Creepy asked.

  “I heard that it all started when the Red Pumpkin commercial came out,” Skelly said.

  “What Red Pumpkin commercial?” I asked.

  “You haven’t seen it?” Creepy said. “Man, that Red Pumpkin guy really creeps me out. Hsssss.”

  “Whoa, calm down, dude,” I said. “It’s only a commercial. It can’t be that scary.”

  All the guys just looked at me with a scared look on their face.

  “Seriously. How scary could it be?”

  Later, after dinner, I was in the living room when my dad turned on the TV News.

  “And for today’s top story: some Minecraft mobs have gone missing in town. They were last seen a few days ago working on their lawns, but they have suddenly and mysteriously disappeared without a trace. Some say that aliens may have come down to find more specimens to probe. Or some believe that a charged Creeper decided to go for a stroll. But, if you have any information regarding the missing individuals, please contact us at 555-MOBS. More on this story tonight at 11.”

  “Well, that’s weird,” my mom said. “I wonder if its anyone we know.”

  “I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation for it,” my dad said. “Maybe they all won tickets to MineCon. You know, I’ve always wanted to go.”

  All of sudden, the weirdest commercial came on the TV.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes, get your gnomes, get your gnomes.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes at the Red Pumpkin!

  Get your Gnome and get good luck, get good luck, get good luck.

  Get your Gnome and get good luck at the Red Pumpkin!

  What the…?

  Then the creepiest looking guy came on the TV. He had a giant red pumpkin on his head, a black cape and long bony fingers. And with his claw hands, he was stroking a cat.

  Then he spoke in the most blood-curdling voice. . .

  “If you want good luck, answered wishes, and to see your dreams come true, then come down to the Red Pumpkin Emporium and get your lucky gnome today!”

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes, get your gnomes, get your gnomes.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes at the Red Pumpkin!

  What the crazy, what?

  Man, the guys weren’t kidding. That was one of the most disturbing commercials I’d ever seen.

  Especially that Red Pumpkin guy.

  That guy looks like he belongs in a horror movie that’s rated ‘F’ for Freaky.

  And what’s up with that weird cat?

  Then my dad got up to go to the kitchen to help my mom.

  But, Seriously, that commercial freaked me out really bad.

  So, I grabbed the remote to turn off the TV.

  Click.

  BOOM!

  “WHAT WAS THAT?!!” my mom yelled, running in from the kitchen.

  She couldn’t see much because of all the smoke.

  “Zombie, where are you?”

  “Mrphfrmphth!” I said.

  After the smoke cleared, it took my mom and dad a few minutes to find the rest of my body parts.

  “Mrphfrmphth!!” I said as my dad pried my head out of the wall.

  POP!

  “There you go. Well, I guess having a hard head comes in handy, hee hee,” my dad said.

  “What happ
ened?” I said as my dad handed me my dismembered hand, still clutching the remote control.

  “I don’t know. Something must’ve caused a power surge in the TV,” my dad said.

  “That’s odd,” my mom said. “We just got that TV.”

  Oh, man! I bet it’s the witch’s curse!

  The hex she put on me is already bringing me all sorts of bad luck.

  I need to do something fast before this thing kills me. . .

  . . .or seriously damages my social life.

  But what can I do?

  What can I do?

  Saturday

  I went to go see Steve today to see if he could help me get rid of the witch’s curse.

  I can always count on Steve. He knows everything.

  Well, not about anything important.

  More like, if it’s crazy, outrageous or totally bonkers, Steve totally knows about it.

  “Hey, Steve.”

  “Well look what the cat dragged in,” Steve said.

  “Oh, man, not again!” I said.

  I started looking around to see if I could find the cat.

  That’s because cats really like zombie flesh.

  So you have to be real careful when there are cats around.

  Especially when you need to pee. . .

  I mean...it’s really hard to do stuff when you don’t have fingers..

  “Dude, what are you looking for?” Steve asked me.

  “Nothing. Just forget it.”