Down The Drain Read online

  Table of Contents

  Monday

  Tuesday

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Friday

  Friday, Later that Night. . .

  Friday, Even Later that Night. . .

  Friday... much, much later that night...

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Tuesday

  Tuesday, Later...

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Friday

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Tuesday

  Wednesday

  Wednesday, Later that Night. . .

  Thursday

  Thursday, Later that Night. . .

  Thursday, Even Later that night. . .

  Saturday

  Find out what happens next!

  Copyright © 2015 Zack Zombie Publishing LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This unofficial novel is an original work of fan fiction which is not sanctioned nor approved by the makers of Minecraft. Minecraft is a registered trademark of, and owned by, Mojang Synergies AB, and its respective owners, which do not sponsor, authorize, or endorse this book. All characters, names, places, and other aspects of the game described herein are trademarked and owned by their respective owners. Minecraft ®/TM & © 2009-2016 Mojang.

  Monday

  “AAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

  “ZOMBIE!!! ARE YOU OK?!!!” my mom and dad asked as they rushed in my room.

  “Yeah, I’m all right. It’s just. . .you forgot to leave the nightlight on.”

  “Aren’t you old enough to go to sleep without a nightlight?” my dad asked.

  “Uh. . .well, it’s just that it gets really dark, and. . .uh. . .I’m kinda scared.”

  “Honey, there are no such things as monsters,” my mom said. “And no matter how ugly they are, villagers are mobs too, you know.”

  “I know, Mom. It’s just. . .it’s just. . .forget it,” I said, feeling too embarrassed to talk about it.

  “All right. Well, go to sleep, son,” my dad said.

  “Nighty-night, dear,” my mom said.

  Click. . .

  “MOM!”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  Clack. . .

  Yeah, I know.

  I’m thirteen years old, and I’m still afraid of the dark.

  And I feel like a real Zombaby because I can’t go to sleep without my nightlight. . .

  And my blanky. . .

  And Mr. Cuddles. . .

  My stuffed Minecraft pig.

  It’s just that, when its dark I feel like something in the dark is going to get me.

  You know. . .something like. . .

  A clown. . .

  Or a doll. . .

  Or a clown doll!

  WHAT?!!!

  Oh, man, I’m scaring myself.

  And wetting myself.

  But, you know, I don’t think I’m the only kid who’s scared of the dark.

  I’ll bet every kid at school is scared of the dark.

  They just act all tough so they can look good.

  You know, like Endermen.

  They look all tall, dark, and courageous.

  But I bet if you put them in a nice dark cave with some scary noises and some howling winds, the only things they’ll be moving. . . is their bowels.

  But you know what?

  I think it’s time that I prove to the world that I’m no longer a Zombaby.

  I mean, I should be able to moan and grunt in dark caves like the rest of the manly Zombies out there, right?

  That’s it!

  I think it’s time I show the world that Zack Zombie is not going to be afraid of anything!

  “Prrffft.”

  “AAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

  “ZOMBIE!!! ARE YOU OK?!!!” my mom and dad asked as they rushed into my room.

  “Mom! I heard a strange noise that sounded like somebody was ripping out a duck’s guts!”

  “Oh, Zombie. . .it’s only Wesley tooting.”

  Then I looked at my little brother sleeping.

  Prrffft.

  Tuesday

  So our town looks totally different now.

  Something tells me somebody gave the Gnomes the wrong plans when they promised to rebuild the town.

  Either that, or they wanted to move in.

  I mean, like now all the houses have round doors and they have mushroom tops.

  And now we have these big green sewer pipes that come out of the ground everywhere.

  Now, don’t get me wrong.

  It’s kind of nice having a sewer system.

  Before, it was a real mystery where our poop went.

  I mean, I asked my mom once where my poop goes when I drop it down the big hole in the backyard.

  “It goes to the human world,” my mom said.

  “Seriously? Whoa.”

  Yeah, I felt really bad for humans for a long time.

  I mean, I wouldn’t mind sharing a bit of myself with the human world and really connecting with them.

  But something tells me they probably don’t want what I’ve been sharing so far.

  But now, we have our own sewer system.

  The funny thing is, even though now I know that my poop goes down the sewer.

  Where it goes from there, nobody knows.

  So I asked my mom again.

  “It goes to the human world,” she said.

  Something tells me that my mom doesn’t like humans very much.

  I went to go see Steve to see if he could give me some tips on how to be brave.

  “Hey, Zombie! What’s shakin’?”

  Man, I was really hoping he wouldn’t notice.

  “Oh. . .I just ran into a cat before I came here,” I said as I picked my butt off the floor.

  “Wait. . .What?”

  “Nothing, what’s up with you, Steve?”

  “Uh. . .nothing. . .nothing.”

  “Hey, I have a question for you,” I said.

  “Shoot.”

  Steve is so strange sometimes.

  So I pulled out my bow and arrow and I shot him.

  “Dude! What did you do that for?”

  “Uh. . .” I said as I stood there confused.

  “Whatevers, man,” Steve said as he took the arrow out of his nostril.

  “So, what’s your question?”

  “Are you afraid of anything?” I asked him, a little embarrassed.

  “What, you mean like monsters and stuff?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Naw. I’m not afraid of monsters. It’s the other stuff that really creeps me out.”

  “Really? Like what?”

  “Well, I’m really afraid of swallowing my gum,” Steve said with a serious look on his face.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, they say that if you swallow your gum, you can’t poop for like seven years.”

  “Whoa.”

  Kinda make
s sense, though.

  It would explain what happened to my Uncle Wrigley.

  He held the record for the longest time without going to the bathroom.

  It was really sad when he ran into that charged creeper, though.

  Poor town didn’t stand a chance.

  Nasty. . .

  “I’m really afraid of other weird stuff, too,” Steve said. “Like I went to a witch doctor, and he said I have Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.”

  “What’s that?”

  “He said it’s a fear of long words.”

  “Whoa.”

  “Yeah, well. . .I’m really afraid of the dark,” I said. “I can’t go to sleep without my nightlight.”

  “Seriously? How come?”

  “I don’t know. I feel like something is watching me and it wants to get me.”

  “Like what? A giant mutant spider? Or a three-headed dragon or something?”

  “More like. . .a clown.”

  I could tell Steve was really thinking seriously about that one. He usually looks red and constipated when he’s deep in thought.

  “PFFFFFFFFTTTT!” he blurted out as he fell down laughing.

  “Hey, that’s not funny, man,” I said. “I think clowns are designed for the sole purpose of traumatizing kids.”

  “He. . .he. . .sigh,” Steve said, catching his breath. “No seriously? Clowns?”

  “Forget it, man,” I said as I picked up my butt and started walking away.

  “Dude, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh,” Steve said. “I guess we’re all afraid of something.”

  “But I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be brave and strong, and really manly,” I said.

  “Well, then you’re going to have to face your fears and kick its butt!” Steve said making a kicking motion at me.

  I wished he hadn’t done that, though. . .

  I had a really hard time finding my butt after that.

  Wednesday

  Today, I was walking to school and I heard a really weird noise coming from one of the big green sewer pipes.

  As I walked closer to it, I heard banging and talking.

  Now, all the kids at school were saying that there were alligators in the sewers.

  I really didn’t want to get my head chomped off, so I decided to walk around it.

  Then, all of a sudden. . .

  “Its-a me, Marco!”

  “What the what?!!!!”

  I got so scared, I jumped out of my skin.

  No, seriously. I looked like a green version of Skelly.

  “Hey there! Im-a Marco,” the weird dirty little man with the big mustache and red and blue overalls said.

  “Hello there,” I said to the dirty old man.

  “Hello, my name is-a Marco and I’m-a from the Italiano Biome. I’m-a worker of the sewer, here to keep your sewers-a nice and poopy,” he said. “And this is my-a brother Loogie!”

  Then another dirty little man in green and blue overalls jumped out of the sewer.

  “Oh yeah! Its-a me, Loogie!”

  “What?!!!”

  Then the other guy hacked really loud and spit in the sewer pipe.

  “HHHHAAACCCK—PTTTOOOO!”

  I guess these must be the guys who take care of the sewers.

  “Hi, I’m Zombie. I live in this town. It’s good to meet you.”

  “Hello, Zombie!” the one in red and blue overalls said. “Tell me, do you happen to know where-a the Sewer Fairy Princess is?”

  “Sewer Fairy Princess?”

  “Yes! Mamma mia, we search in all of the pipes looking for her, but we have notta find her.”

  “No, I haven’t seen a sewer fairy princess,” I said, thinking that these guys have been working in the sewer way too long. “But if I see her, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

  “Okey dokey!” the green one said as he jumped back down into the sewer.

  It’s a good thing he did, too.

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had a wad stuck to his mustache.

  The one with the red and blue overalls seemed sad. But then he went back to his business.

  Man, I missed my chance, though.

  I really wanted to ask those guys where my poop goes.

  Thursday

  BANG! BANG!

  CLANK! CLANK!

  Huh? Whuzzat?

  BANG! BANG!

  CLANK! CLANK!

  I woke up early to the sound of weird noises coming from the house.

  When I went downstairs, my parents were up but they looked really tired.

  “What’s all the noise, Mom?”

  “Oh, it’s the new sewer workers. They’re attaching our house pipes to the sewers today, so they started early.”

  “Early? They started in the middle of the day when every responsible Mob is sleeping,” my dad said. “Don’t they know people have jobs?”

  “Well, we are going to have real running water, and we are going to have a real toilet. The brochure says that it even occasionally overflows. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  “Peachy,” Dad said.

  BANG! BANG!

  CLANK! CLANK!

  It was too loud to go back to bed, so I thought I would watch some TV to kill some time before school.

  My favorite show is on. . .yes!

  So I just hopped on the couch and watched my favorite show, Square Bob Sponge Pants.

  Oh, man, I love this show.

  “We interrupt this completely brainless kids show for an important announcement.”

  Huh?

  “It seems there have been a series of Mob disappearances around town. A few missing Mob kids were last seen at the entrance to the new town municipal sewer system. Some say they were eaten by alligators. Others say they were abducted by aliens living in the sewers. Others say they deserve what they got for playing around a creepy entrance to the city sewer system.

  But If you have any information of the whereabouts of these Mob kids. . .like if you find a shoe with one of the kid’s names on it written in blood—please do not go bravely in search for them in the town’s sewers. Instead, call the town police department right away.

  Now back to our regularly scheduled utterly senseless children’s entertainment.”

  Whoa. That’s just crazy.

  I mean, like who would be crazy enough to go into those creepy sewers?

  Well, I guess it’s something I have to think about after my potty break.

  So I went to go check out our new toilet.

  “Its-a me, Marco!”

  “AAAAHHH!”

  “Hello-a Zombie! How-a are you?”

  “Good,” I said, talking to the mustached head sticking out of the toilet.

  I’m just glad he didn’t come visit a few minutes later.

  “Oh, yea!” The other mustached head said as it popped out of the toilet.

  “HAAACCCCKKK—PTTTOOOO!” the one in the green hat said as the yellow slime slid down the bathroom wall.

  “You haven’t seen-a the Sewer Fairy Princess, have you, Zombie?”

  “Sorry, guys. No sewer fairy princess in here.”

  “Oh, mamma mia, what are we to do-a?”

  Then they both popped back down the toilet.

  It’s a good thing too. I was really ground-hogging it.

  But I did leave them something green and juicy to remember me by.

  Just in case they came back.

  Friday

  Well, today was our season field trip to Seven Flags, Great Minecraft Adventure Forrest Biome Theme Park.

  It’s supposed to have some of the coolest rides.

  But the on
ly thing I don’t like about this amusement park is that it’s supposed to have the scariest haunted mansion in all the twelve Biomes.

  I heard stories that this haunted mansion was so scary that the only body part you don’t leave behind is your stomach.

  And that’s because you need it to throw up afterward.

  I mean, I knew I had to face my fears, but I was definitely not ready for that.

  I was just hoping that the other guys didn’t want to go to the haunted mansion.

  “Hey, guys,” Skelly said. “Let’s go to the haunted mansion!”

  Figures.

  “Yeah,” Slimey said. “I heard it’s so scary, it’ll scare the juice out of you.”

  “I don’t know, guys,” Creepy said. “I kind of like my juice.”

  “Hey, I’m with Creepy,” I said. “I mean, your juice should really stay in your body. You know. For health reasons.”

  Then I heard the noise that every middle school kid in the world dreads, but knows so well.

  “CLUCK, CLUCK, PTAW, PTAW!”

  Oh boy.

  “What’s the matter, Zombie. . .you chicken?”

  Yup. . .it was Darius.

  “Zombie’s a chicken! Zombie’s a chicken! Zombie’s a chicken!” Darius kept chanting. Then all the other kids started chanting too.

  Yeah, I could’ve walked away. . .

  And, yeah, I could’ve gotten a grown up. . .

  And, yeah, I could’ve responsibly explained about my childhood phobia of the dark that stemmed from my traumatic childhood experiences. . .

  But. . .

  “I’m not a chicken!” I said, not sure what was coming out of my mouth. “Watch me go through the whole haunted mansion!”