Down The Drain Read online

  Then I looked at the guys and said, “All right, guys, let’s go.”

  All of sudden, my army of pillager titans turned into toilet paper soldiers at a spitting convention.

  Slimey broke into a bunch of slime bits.

  Skelly’s bones started to turn yellow.

  And Creepy just stood there sucking on his inhaler.

  “Seriously?”

  Urgh! How in the world do I get myself into these things?

  I think it has something to do with my mouth. It’s like a broken toilet.

  Or maybe it’s because my brain is the size of a pea.

  But all I knew was that now I had to go through the whole haunted mansion, BY MYSELF!

  And, if I chickened out, I’d be knocked to last place on the social food chain.

  I’ll end up a few pegs below humans. . .but just above Justin Bieber.

  Well, I guess this is my chance to face my fears and kick its butt, like Steve said.

  But why do I get the feeling it’s my butt that’s going to get kicked?

  Friday,

  Later that Night. . .

  “MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!!!” I said crying as I burst out of the front door of the haunted mansion.

  “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  The big crowd that Darius gathered together outside burst out laughing.

  But I didn’t care. I was just glad I made it out of that death trap alive.

  “It’s okay, Zombie. We were all scared for you,” Creepy said, sucking on his inhaler.

  “Yeah, you were real brave, man,” Skelly said. “I don’t think any of us could’ve stayed in there that long. Five minutes is a record.”

  “Yeah, Zombie. And you only lost a little of your juice,” Slimey said as we turned and looked at the greenish brown trail that led up to the haunted house.

  “CLUCK! CLUCK! PTAW! PTAW!”

  “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  “Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!” all the kids kept chanting louder and louder.

  Me and the guys just ran home to accept our new positions as the chicken boy mascots of Scaredy Catville.

  Man, just when I thought I was going to face my fears and kick its butt.

  Hey. . .wait a minute. . .

  Where is my butt?

  Friday,

  Even Later that Night. . .

  After all the kids left the park, me and the guys went back to find. . .you know. . .my Zombooty.

  “You must’ve left it in the haunted mansion,” Creepy said.

  “Seriously?!!!”

  “Yeah, man, good luck getting that back,” Skelly said. “And, you know, you don’t really need a butt anyway. Look at me.”

  “Yeah, well, I happened to like my butt,” I said. “Plus, I had my wallet and a bunch of other stuff in it too.”

  The other guys just looked at me with a confused look.

  Man, we thought the haunted mansion was scary before, but with the park closed and the lights all out, it was seriously terrifying.

  “Hey, I really need your help, guys,” I said. “I can’t do this by myself.”

  “All right, dude,” Skelly said.

  “Count me in, too,” Creepy said, really sucking hard on his inhaler.

  “Me too, me too, me too, me too. . .” all of Slimey’s bits said.

  So we all crept up toward the door of the haunted mansion.

  You know, this is my chance to face my fears and kick its butt, I thought.

  No more being afraid of the dark.

  No more nightlights.

  No more having to go to bed with blanky or Mr. Cuddles.

  And no more being a chicken.

  Yes, I’m going to be brave!

  Gulp!

  I just hope I live through it.

  Friday...

  much, much later that night...

  Well, when we opened the door to the haunted mansion, suddenly all the lights came on.

  Yeah, that’s when the body parts really started falling off.

  Now, I thought I could just walk in and find my booty just sitting in a corner somewhere.

  But noooooo.

  It seems that the janitor cleaned up, and he dropped it off at the Lost and Found at the end of the ride!

  So, me and the guys had to go through the whole haunted mansion to get to the Lost and Found bin at the end, next to the gift shop and next to the vomit stalls.

  So, we decided to mob up and go through with it.

  Now, we made our way to the first room which wasn’t so bad. . .

  It was just a few creepy spiders, endermites, and silverfish.

  Ha! Nothing I hadn’t fought before.

  But then it got weirder and creepier.

  Like, the next room just had regular Minecraft Mobs walking around.

  But then, all of a sudden, their faces peeled off and there were creepy human baby dolls underneath!

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  Slimey broke apart into even smaller pieces.

  Skelley lost his lunch.

  And Creepy swallowed his inhaler.

  As for me, well, let’s just say that butts serve a purpose.

  And without one, Zombie juice started spraying all over the place.

  Nobody left that room unsoiled.

  Then we made it to a really long hallway.

  We tried to walk through the room as fast as possible.

  But then, suddenly, a bunch of arms came out of the wall and started grabbing at us!

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  By this time, Slimey had almost evaporated out of existence.

  Skelly lost his spine. So he was just a head, torso, and legs.

  And Creepy was about a few seconds from going nuclear.

  Me? Well, let’s just say that I think I grew eyeballs. . .on my chin.

  Now, you think we’d had enough punishment.

  And you’d think that we knew when to quit.

  But noooooooooo.

  We had to be brave.

  So, we made it to the last room.

  It was dark, but the funny thing was that it smelled like popcorn.

  Then some lights came on, and in front of us was a huge stage in front with a big red curtain covering it.

  Then, all of a sudden, some weird circus music started playing. . .

  And the red curtain started to open. . .

  I’m going to be brave.

  I’m going to be brave.

  I’m going to be brave.

  Then, suddenly. . .

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  Then everything went black.

  Saturday

  Okay, now I know what you’re thinking.

  Since I’m writing this, I made it out in one piece.

  And you’re probably thinking that I faced my fears and kicked its butt.

  Well, you’re wrong. . .on all counts.

  For one thing, I don’t think I’ll be going to school for a few days.

  My body doesn’t move too well without a spine. . .

  Or legs. . .

  Or arms.

  But, the good news is that I did get my butt back.

  Only problem is that I have to wear it on my head until they find my chin.

  Makes everything smell really funny, though.

  Kinda like burnt hair and garlic peanut butter.

  But I can sure see better now. . .

  The weirdest thing was that it felt like we were being watched the whole time we were in the haunted mansion.

  Later, I found out why.

  It seems Darius and his goons were at the haunted
mansion just waiting for us.

  They were the ones who turned on the lights.

  And they even videotaped us as we went through the haunted mansion.

  So now, we’re not just scaredy cats, we’re like famous scaredy cats.

  Just call me Mr. Wuss Whiskerton.

  So wrong. . .

  Sunday

  Well, now, not only do I still need a nightlight to go to sleep.

  And my blanky. . .

  And Mr. Cuddles.

  But now everybody in the whole village knows I’m a chicken.

  I think I should go to school somewhere else.

  I wonder if they have school for jellyfish?

  Steve came over when he heard what happened.

  “Whoa! Dude, what happened to you?”

  I couldn’t hear him to well because of the bucket I was laying in.

  “What?!”

  “Dude! I said, what happened?!” Steve said louder.

  “Oh, I’m waiting for my mom to order me some new parts.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, I went to the haunted mansion to face my fears and kick its butt,” I said. “But, as you can see, I couldn’t kick much butt without any legs.”

  “Yeah, dude. . .you look like a jellyfish and a squid got together and had a mutant baby. . .then it vomited a pus-filled embryo sack of grossness into a bucket.”

  “Thanks, man. . .Sniff. . .Sniff.”

  “Don’t worry about it, man.”

  “WAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

  “Ah, don’t cry, dude,” Steve said.

  “But, I’m such a loser!”

  “Dude, you’re not a loser. You’re just sensitive, that’s all.”

  “WAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

  “You know, maybe when you get yourself back together we can go on an adventure,” Steve said. “Then we’ll show the world how manly you really are.”

  That actually sounded like a good idea.

  I mean, Steve is like the bravest guy I know. So if I can do what he does, then I’ll be like, seriously manly brave.”

  “Sounds great, Steve,” I said.

  Blink. . .Blink.

  “Dude, but you need to put those butt chin eyeballs away. . .Those things are creepy.

  Blink. . .Blink.

  “And I think you might need a breath mint.”

  “Prffft.”

  Monday

  I thought my recovery would take longer.

  But, the Body Parts Store is using drones now to deliver packages, so it got to my house in like one day.

  So awesome.

  The only problem is that they were out of chins.

  Yeah, so I’m going to have to wear my butt chin for a little while longer.

  I taped my chin eyes shut so they wouldn’t creep people out, though.

  I taped the other hole, too, just in case I ran out of breath mints.

  The good thing is that I don’t have to go to school today.

  Man, am I glad too.

  I really didn’t want to face the kids at school after Darius released that video of us at the haunted mansion.

  Yeah, it’s amazing how like the worst things you do go viral in like a few minutes.

  It’s like the Zombie-net is like always scanning for ‘Stupidity Recognition.’

  I really didn’t want to see the video, either.

  But when Skelly and the other guys came over, we had to see it.

  “Hey, Zombie. . .I see you got your new parts,” Skelly said. “But. . .what’s up with the tape on your chin?”

  “Nothing. I just lost a pimple, that’s all.”

  “Whoa. That must’ve been a really big pimple.”

  Well, the good thing is that Slimey was all back together.

  And Skelly got a new spine.

  But Creepy was wheezing a lot. . .since he swallowed his inhaler.

  “So did you guys see the video?” Slimey asked.

  “Naw, I was too chicken. How about you?”

  All the guys shook their heads.

  “Well, we might as well take a look,” Skelly said, pulling up a chair to my computer.

  “EPIC MINERAFT MOB FAIL COMPILATION—MEET THE CHICKEN BOYS—TRY NOT TO LAUGH CHALLENGE.”

  Yep.

  That’s what it said.

  Then we played it.

  “URRRRRGGGHH!!!”

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  “WAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

  “MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!”

  “URRRRRGGGHH!!!”

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  “WAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

  “MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!”

  And it just repeated over and over.

  “How long is this thing?”

  “Ten hours.”

  “Seriously?!!”

  “URRRRRGGGHH!!!”

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  “WAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

  “MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!”

  So, there it was.

  My whole life was going to now be defined by this one video moment.

  I’m doomed.

  “Hey, what’s that?”

  Then we saw a picture of a video that was next to it.

  “BOY GETS MIRACLE TRANSPLANT—NOW HAS BUTT CHIN”

  “WHAT?!!! How did they get that?!!!”

  And there I was, sporting my new chin. . .looking as meaty as ever.

  “What the what?!!!”

  At least I thought I would get some sympathy from the guys.

  PFFFFFFFFFFT!

  “HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!”

  They just burst out laughing.

  Man, so much for loyalty. . .

  Tuesday

  Well, I’m back to normal today.

  I had another delivery from the Body Parts store, so my chin is back to normal.

  . . .And my caboose is back to where it supposed to be.

  Good thing, too. . .

  It felt really weird carrying my wallet and stuff in my pockets.

  As I was walking home from school today, I decided to take another route so that the other kids wouldn’t see me and mess with me.

  I was getting really tired of the kids asking me to lay an egg.

  I think it has something to do with my new nickname. . .

  I’m going down in history as the ZOMBIE CHICKEN BOY of Minecraft.

  Now, you’d think people would just forget about stuff like that.

  But the last kid who got a nickname had to change Biomes.

  Yeah, I felt really sorry for that kid.

  I guess you can’t shake a name like Bat Boy.

  But then, as I was walking, I got lost.

  I ended up somewhere near the entrance to the new village sewer system.

  It was huge cave looking thing, and it was really dark.

  And it really gave me the creeps.

  Suddenly. . .

  BANG! BANG!

  CLANK! CLANK!

  What was that?!!!

  I could hear more weird noises coming from inside.

  Now I was really creeped out, especially because the sounds started getting louder.

  I could tell there was somebody or some-thing coming.

  I jumped behind a tree to hide, I was so scared.

  And the voices started getting louder and louder. . .and closer and closer.

  I was sure they were about to get me. . .

  “Mamma mia! Let’sa go-a home, eh-Loogie?”

  “Okey-Dokie!”

  What?

  Then I came out from behind the tree.

  “Eh-its-a Z
ombie! Hello, Zombie, have you come to help us to-a find the Sewer Fairy Princess?”

  “Uh. . .No. I got kinda lost, and I was wondering if you knew how to get back to my village?”

  “Well, you can-a follow us through the sewer. It is a short-a cut.”

  “Uh. . .you mean that dark, damp, scary looking sewer over there?”

  “Ya, we know-a these sewers like the back of our hands-a.”

  “Uh. . .No, thank you. . .I think I remember how to get home now. . .I’ll see you later,” I said getting the hey out of there.

  Whew! That was close.

  Hey, those guys might seem harmless, but going into a dark, damp creepy sewer was not something that I was ready for.

  Especially not without my blanky. . .and Mr. Cuddles.

  So, I decided to find my own way back home.

  Tuesday,

  Later...

  As I trekked through the forest, not really knowing where I was going, I ended up at a creepy old, beat up house in the middle of nowhere.

  What the what is this house doing here?

  Well, I went up to the front of the house to see if anybody was home, so I could call my mom and dad.

  But after I knocked, no one answered.

  So, then I walked around to the back and knocked on the back door.

  Nobody answered.

  Well, I guess I’m gonna have to keep walking.

  But then, all of a sudden, I could swear that I saw the creepiest thing looking at me through the window.

  Naw, it couldn’t be. . .

  I must be seeing things. . .