Zombie's Excellent Adventure Read online

  Table of Contents

  Sunday

  Monday

  Tuesday

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Friday

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Monday, Later that Day. . .

  Tuesday

  Tuesday, Later that Day. . .

  Wednesday

  Thursday

  Friday

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Monday, Later That Day. . .

  Tuesday

  Wednesday

  Wednesday, Later that Day. . .

  Wednesday, Even Later That Day. . .

  Sunday, a few days later. . .

  Find out what happens next!

  Copyright © 2015 Zack Zombie Publishing LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This unofficial novel is an original work of fan fiction which is not sanctioned nor approved by the makers of Minecraft. Minecraft is a registered trademark of, and owned by, Mojang Synergies AB, and its respective owners, which do not sponsor, authorize, or endorse this book. All characters, names, places, and other aspects of the game described herein are trademarked and owned by their respective owners. Minecraft ®/TM & © 2009-2016 Mojang.

  Sunday

  Pew! Pew! Pew!

  “Take that!”

  “Oh yeah?!!!”

  “SSSHHHHHHH. . .BRRSSHH!!!!”

  “You take that!”

  “Whoa! Dude! You’re just going to let him do that to you?!!”

  “No way! It’s time to pull out my secret weapon!”

  The game was over once I pulled out my Proton-Lazer.

  ZZZZZTTZZZZZTTZZZZZTT!

  “Whoa!”

  Or so I thought. . .

  “Oh, man! What’s that?!!!”

  Suddenly, all I could see was a pulsating ball of light as it was hurled in the air. . .

  SSSSHHHUUUPPPPBRRAAACCKKK-BBOOOMMM!!!

  “OOOOHHHHH!!!!”

  “Dude, you just got wasted!”

  “Hey, no fair! No one said anything about using the Plasma Grenade!”

  “Sorry, bro, thems the breaks,” Skelly said with a smug look on his bony face.

  Man, that’s the last time I play with these guys.

  “Dude! I love this game!” Skelly said with a fiendish grin on his face.

  “Yeah, who’d ever thought Craftformers would be so cool, right, Zombie?” Creepy asked.

  “Yeah. . .whatever.”

  “You know what would be really awesome? If we could all combine together and become our own Craftformer,” Creepy said. “It would be so cool. We could even combine all our powers together.”

  “Yeah, they could call us Ultimus Supreme,” Skelly said.

  “Dude, that sounds like a burrito. I think they should call us Optimus Slime,” Slimey said.

  “PFFFFFFTTTT!”

  “What do you think, Zombie?” Creepy asked me.

  “Yeah. . .whatever.”

  KLANG! KLANG! KLANG!

  We were all interrupted by a loud banging noise coming from Steve’s garage.

  But there’s always noise at Steve’s house.

  Last time I slept over, we all woke up and the house was shaking.

  But it was only Steve punching the side of his treehouse again.

  To this day, I still don’t understand the punching tree thing.

  Especially since, like, by now Steve’s arms look like cankles.

  So weird.

  KLANG! KLANG! KLANG!

  We all walked over to the garage where Steve was working.

  “Steve, whatcha doing, man?” we all asked him.

  “Well, I’m almost finished putting the finishing touches on my Time Travel Portal,” Steve said.

  “Whoa! No way! Does it really work?!!!”

  “There’s only one way to tell,” Steve said with his mad scientist grin.

  “Oh, no way!” Skelly said. “Man, last time I tried one of your experimental portals, I ended up with three heads. People were making Wither jokes for weeks.”

  “Hey, whatever happened to that other experimental portal you made, Steve?” I asked him.

  “It’s over there,” Steve said, pointing to what looked like a broken Nether Portal. “I worked out some of the kinks, but I can’t get it to stop combining whatever goes through it.”

  Then, suddenly, Creepy got a weird look on his face.

  We all knew where this was going.

  And there was no way Creepy was going to get us to do it.

  That is. . .

  Until he dared us.

  Man, what is it with kids and dares?

  It’s like the call of the wild.

  I mean, it’s like whatever little common sense that kids do have is no match for the overwhelming need to do something really dumb.

  Like that time somebody dared Slimey to lick himself and stand next to a frozen telephone pole.

  Or that time somebody dared Skelly to put on skin and run down Steve’s village naked. . .during grandparent’s day.

  Or like that time that one kid in shop class dared me to electrocute my nipples.

  I mean. . .it really did seem like a good idea at the time.

  Like, there was supposed to be a free Mountain Dew in it if I survived.

  Man, I still have marks from that.

  What was really weird was explaining to my mom why I had six really big scars on my chest.

  So, of course, we had to try Creepy’s Craftformer idea.

  “AUTO-MOBS, TRANSFORM!”

  Then we all jumped head-first into Steve’s old experimental portal. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  Monday

  Stayed home from school today.

  Sigh.

  Creepy’s dare. . .

  Not one of our better ideas.

  But at least now I’m really good with a bow and arrow.

  And I bounce every time I walk, which is kinda cool.

  And I have a real urge to punch a tree.

  But for some reason I keep farting everywhere. . .like real bad.

  HSSSSSSSSS.

  I guess I can get used to being like this.

  Except when I have to go to the bathroom.

  So wrong.

  Tuesday

  Well, all I can say is that I am never going to take a dare ever again.

  Seriously. . .I mean it.

  Even if there is a free Mountain Dew in it.

  The good news is that the effects wore off, and we’re back to normal.

  The bad news is that, thanks to combining with Creepy, I’m farting everywhere...like a lot.

  HSSSSSSSS.

  And, thanks to Slimey, one of my legs still bounces when I walk.

  It’s like, I thought I had a real bad limp before.

  But now, thanks to my bouncy leg, I can’t stop hitting myself in the face.

  It did come in h
andy the other day, though, when I wanted to get out of gym class.

  I just told the teacher I had foot-in-mouth disease.

  Anyway, today Ms. Bones, our teacher, made us write an essay on what we want to be when we grow up.

  And I know exactly what I’m gonna write about.

  I’m going to write about the dream I’ve had ever since I found out where Zombie’s really come from.

  And, no, Zombie’s didn’t come from a secret military experiment gone wrong.

  And we didn’t come from eggs, either.

  And that theory about Zombies coming from somebody accidentally spilling lime soda in a nuclear power plant is all bunk.

  Well, at least, I think it is.

  What I found out is that Zombies were born when a game developer named Notch decided that we’d be a great addition to Minecraft.

  Yeah, he was a prophet.

  And he made like a Kazillion dollars.

  So, after I learned the truth, my secret dream was to one day become a game developer like my hero, Notch.

  And someday, I’m gonna make my own world-changing game like Minecraft. . .

  . . .And make a Kazillion dollars.

  Except I wouldn’t call my game Minecraft.

  I think I’d probably call it something like, Dwarf Fortress. . .or Dungeon Keeper.

  Or, even better, ZombieCraft.

  You know, something cool like that.

  “Well, can anyone share what they wrote for their essay today?” Ms. Bones asked the class.

  “I want to go into construction,” Francis the Enderman said.

  Heh. . .figures.

  “I want to be a Parkour Specialist,” Skelly said.

  “I want to be a personal trainer,” Slimey said.

  “Well, when I grow up, I want to be a stuntman,” Creepy said.

  Everybody in the class kinda just looked at each other.

  Yeah, we didn’t have the heart to tell him.

  “Well, I want to be a software game developer like Notch,” I said.

  “Gasp!”

  Plunk! Plack! Phlump!

  Suddenly, kids’ jaws started dropping.

  Then, everything in the room went quiet.

  “Uh. . .Zombie, unfortunately, mobs aren’t allowed to be software game developers,” Ms. Bones said. “It’s against the law. Only humans can.”

  Suddenly, it felt like the teacher just ripped my head off, jumped down my throat and stepped on my heart.

  My dream was crushed.

  Sigh. So much for the most amazing, interactive, first person, world-changing sandbox game I was going to make.

  And so much for my Kazillions. . .

  Man, life is so unfair.

  Wednesday

  I went to go see Steve at his house today to ask him about why only humans are allowed to make video games.

  “Hey, Steve!”

  “Hey, Zombie, what’s cookin’?”

  “Yeah, I get that a lot in the summer. But, don’t worry, you’ll get used to the smell.”

  “Wait. . .what?”

  “Uh, Steve. . .”

  “What’s on your mind, Dude?” Steve asked.

  “Uh. . .hey, how come only humans are allowed to make video games? Like, I really wanted to make cool games like Notch and make like a Kazillion dollars, and. . .”

  “SHHHHHH!”

  Steve just waived his hand and made a motion with his fingers over his lips. . .or where his lips would be.

  Then he pointed to his garage.

  So we sneaked over to his garage, and he turned on the music real loud.

  Then he whispered in my ear, “Dude, they can hear you. . .you’ve gotta keep it down.”

  “Wait, who can hear me?”

  “The players, man. . .” Steve said again, pointing with his fingers in the air.

  “What players?” I said, kinda getting a little worried about Steve.

  “Dude. . .the Minecraft players.”

  I still didn’t know what in the world Steve was talking about.

  “The H-U-M-A-N Minecraft players. They can hear what you’re saying. And if they heard you talking about wanting to make video games, you could get in some real trouble.”

  “Wait a minute. You mean that right now there are humans that can see everything we’re doing and they hear everything we are saying?”

  “Yup.”

  “Even when we go to the bathroom?”

  “Uh, yeah.”

  “So, like that time I got a really bad case of explosive diarrhea, and I tried keeping it in. . .by taping my butt cheeks together. . .and it came out anyway. . .and I had poo coming out of my ears. . .and out of my eyes. . .and out of my. . .uh, you know. Like, you’re telling me they saw all that?”

  “Uh huh.”

  Suddenly, it all made sense.

  I always had this feeling like my life was one big reality show.

  And I always had this feeling that somebody was watching me and even controlling me sometimes.

  Like, that one time I smacked Jimmy the Creeper on the back of the head on a dare, I felt like something had totally taken control over me.

  Or that other time when I pushed Garret the Slime into the pool, I totally knew somebody had made me do it.

  I mean, how did I know that he couldn’t swim?

  Anyway, this is crazy!

  “So, dude, how come it’s against the law for mobs to be game developers? I never heard that before?” I whispered to Steve.

  “I know, man. It just happened like a few years ago when MicroCraft took over Mojang.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. After that, they closed all the Minecraft Video Game schools and fired all mob game developers. Then they passed a law that said that only humans can make games. I was so bummed out, too. I was making the coolest game called Robl. . .”

  “So nobody did anything?!!!”

  “There wasn’t much we could do. Once Notch sold out to MicroCraft, they took over everything. Now humans control everything, and now they can see everything, they can hear everything and they know everything. They are guarding all the doors, and they are holding all they keys.”

  “Whoa.”

  “The only hope we have now is the prophecy.”

  “Wait, what prophecy?”

  “Well, they say that one day, a mob will be born in Minecraft that will come and free us from the control of MicroCraft. They call him. . .the Chosen One.”

  “Whoa.”

  “But, nobody knows who he or she is. It could be anybody. Who knows. . .it could be you.”

  “Seriously?!!!”

  “Yup,” Steve said.

  Man, I’ve never been chosen for anything before.

  Like, when we play basketball in gym class, nobody ever picks me to be on their team.

  I think it’s because I run like a hundred-year-old man. . .

  Or maybe it’s because I keep tripping over my own feet. . .and legs. . .and arms.

  Or maybe it’s because I sweat a lot, and whatever my sweat lands on, it grows a new species of fungus.

  So, I always end up sitting on the moldy bench.

  Next to the other moldy noobs.

  But, man, could I really be like the Chosen One?

  Wow, my dad always said I was meant for something great.

  But I always thought he meant I was great at being lazy. . .or great at making excuses. . .or great at avoiding responsibility.

  But the Chosen One?

  Whoa.

  Thursday

  Today we went on a field trip to the Minecraft History Museum.

  And it was awesome! />
  It was awesome because I got a chance to learn about all the cool Minecraft updates that happened since Minecraft first started.

  Like, I learned that before Minecraft got its name, they used to call it the “Cave Game.”

  Yeah, the name was dumb, but the game was still cool.

  I also learned that before Minecraft Update 1.3, they didn’t even have coal.

  It was totally crazy.

  I mean, I can only imagine what they used for soap in those days.

  Then I learned about Minecraft Update 1.5, where they first introduced Redstone into Minecraft.

  How they ever got along without any Redstone, I don’t know.

  Like, how’d they even power their cellphones?

  Man, my parents must’ve had it really hard.

  Mad props to all the old folks out there.

  Then I learned about Minecraft Update 1.7.10, which was when Mods took over the world.

  It was like the Wild West of Minecraft back then.

  I remember it, too.

  There was a Mod for everything.

  There was even a Mod I tried once called the X-ray Mod.

  Me and the guys had so much fun with it.

  That is, until the girls at school started complaining.

  So wrong.

  They even had a Galactic Mod, a Wizard Mod, a JetPack Mod, a Candy Mod, and a Pig Poop Mod.

  They even had a Four Nights at Freddy’s Mod.

  Man, that was scary.

  I never stepped foot in another Freddy Fuzzbear Pizzeria ever again after that.

  I was so bummed. Those animatronics were so cool.

  Anyway, the world got really crazy with Minecraft 1.7.10, so they had to shut it down.

  And then, the ultimate Minecraft Update arrived. . .

  Duh, duh, dun!

  Minecraft Update 1.8!

  That was the most awesome update ever!