Zombie's Excellent Adventure Read online

  Why?

  Because it was all about the adventure, man. . .it was all about the adventure.

  But then, after that, everything changed. . .

  MicroCraft Corporation came in and took over the world.

  And the world as we know it was never the same again.

  That’s because they finally sealed our fate with the introduction of. . .

  Duh, duh, dun!

  Minecraft Update 1.9!

  Yeah, it was all downhill from there.

  I mean, don’t get me wrong. . .I really like that I can now use my left hand.

  I always felt kinda weird shaking somebody’s hand with the same hand that I scratch my butt.

  But now, I can shake hands and scratch my butt at the same time.

  But PVP will never be the same again.

  ‘Cool Down’ feature. . .

  So wrong.

  Anyway, at the end of the field trip, I saw an exhibit that talked about my hero, Notch.

  They said he was a pioneer.

  In the early years, he was all about the game.

  But then, suddenly, he sold out.

  And he left all of us mobs to face the fierce wrath of MicroCraft all alone.

  Wow, I could really use some cake right now. . .

  Friday

  Urrrrgggghhh!

  I was so mad today.

  My mom and dad went to a parent-teacher conference yesterday and the topic was, “Why Too Much Screen is Eating Away at Your Child’s Brain.”

  Well, since a Zombie’s brain is about the size of pea, my parents got all crazy about it.

  I guess they didn’t want me to lose the little that I had left.

  So, of course, the first thing they did was take away all my fun.

  They took my TV, and they took my laptop, and my desktop, and they took away my gaming console, and my Pocket Console, and they took away my zPad, and my zPhone.

  But, you know, my parents might have a point.

  It was kinda weird that my fingers were stuck in the same position for like a week.

  But now, I don’t even know what to do with myself.

  Well, I might as well organize my underwear drawer.

  It’s a real mess in there.

  I guess my mom got tired of organizing it for me.

  But I don’t get what all the fuss is about underwear.

  Steve said he has seven pairs of underwear. One for each day of the week. One for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. . .

  Me? I have twelve.

  One for January, February, March. . .

  But you know, a kid shouldn’t be left with too much time on his hands.

  We end up doing some really strange stuff.

  You know, like smelling our stinky feet.

  Something about that smell of burnt tire and garlic makes me want to really take a whiff.

  And if you give us enough time, somehow our feet always end up in our mouth.

  But you know, after the first few times, toe jam is really not that bad.

  You get kind of used to the taste.

  Especially the crunchy kind.

  And unless kids have things to occupy every minute of our day, we also end up giving in to our natural urges.

  You know, the kind of urges that get us into real trouble with the police. . .

  The social police.

  Like the urge to cut our hair with a lawnmower.

  . . .You know, to get that buzz cut.

  Or like the urge to put our head in the microwave.

  . . .Just to see what it does to our pimples.

  Or like the urge to poop upside-down.

  . . .Okay, I just saw a dog do it once and I had to try it.

  Or like the urge to jump off the roof to see if the laws of physics really apply to preteens.

  Wow. Kids have some weird urges.

  . . .And, yeah, the law of physics still applies to preteens.

  Ouch.

  I mean, really, what’s a kid supposed to do with so many hours of free time?

  It’s like a never-ending abyss of pure torture.

  My mom said that I should read a buick to pass the time.

  Or did she call it a blook?

  Whatever.

  All I know is that the graphics are terrible.

  Saturday

  Well, my screen detox didn’t last very long.

  I think it was probably because the insurance company told my parents they wouldn’t cover the damage.

  Hey, I told you they shouldn’t give kids too much free time.

  Anyway, since my room was unlivable for a few days, me and the guys decided to sleep over at Steve’s house again.

  Now my mom still thinks Villagers are weird.

  And she still thinks they smell funny.

  But she likes Steve.

  I think its because of his square head.

  Yeah, she feels really sorry for him.

  Well, when me and the guys got to Steve’s house, I couldn’t say no to another game of Craftformers.

  But after losing a few more rounds to the guys, I decided to go to the backyard where Steve was working on something.

  As I started walking to the backyard, all of a sudden. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  What was that?!!!

  “Hey, Steve! You all right?”

  “EUUUREEEKKAA!”

  What the what?

  “Dude, I finally did it!” Steve yelled as I ran to the backyard.

  When I got there, there was a huge portal that looked like it was made out of diamonds.

  “What in the world is that?”

  “It’s my Time Travel Portal! I finally finished it!”

  “PFFFFFFT! You’re joking, right?” I said between my guffaws.

  “Seriously, man, it really works.”

  “What? I thought time travel portals were all fake. You know, like all those ZTube videos that everybody hates.”

  “Naw, man, it really works. And I can prove it to you.”

  Suddenly, Steve jumped into the time portal.

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  There’s like no way that thing works.

  I mean, if time travel was possible, everybody would be doing it, especially on ZTube.

  That is. . .unless somebody went back and time and erased all the ZTube videos about time travel.

  Ugh, that thought just really made my head hurt.

  But, man, if it really did work, I would go back in time and change a lot of things.

  Like, I would totally go back and fix all my embarrassing preteen moments. . .

  You know, the ones that make up about 99 percent of my life. . .and that totally define my existence.

  Or I’d go back and mix the blue potion instead of the green potion in my homemade Brewing Stand.

  Cause it’s really hard doing things without eyebrows.

  So wrong.

  Anyway, I’d also go back and tell myself not eat that green hotdog with the cottage cheese filling that I found under my chair in the school bus.

  But who am I kidding?

  It was a dare, and nobody ever says no to a dare.

  All of sudden, Steve jumped back out of the portal.

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  “See, I told you it would work,” Steve said with a smug look on his face.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Then Steve pointed his fat finger at my shirt.

  “What the what?!!!”

  I didn’t believe it. But, there it was on my shirt, in big green letters. . .

  I’M A NOOB.

&n
bsp; “I just jumped back in time a few minutes and wrote that on your shirt,” Steve said.

  “Whoa!”

  “You were really hard to convince, too. That is until I sweetened the offer with some cake.”

  Then I looked in the mirror, and I still had icing on my face.

  “Whoa! Dude, that’s crazy!”

  “Awesome, right? So, how about me and you take it out for a spin? We could like totally play some practical jokes on the guys, and they won’t even know it was us.”

  I mean, it sounded really tempting.

  Like, who could say no to some time traveling pranks.

  But another part of me was feeling like we probably shouldn’t be messing with the fabric of the universe like that.

  Like, what if we mess up history? Or what if we break time? Or what if we create a cataclysmic chain of events that results in the destruction of Minecraft itself?

  “Yeah, I’m in!”

  Sunday

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  We got back from our time travel shenanigans really late.

  We were so tired, we didn’t even have the strength to go out and see if our time traveling pranks worked.

  So we just pulled out our sleeping bags and crashed in Steve’s backyard.

  But you know, today was so much fun.

  I can’t wait till tomorrow to see what happened with our pranks!

  Monday

  Lick, Lick, Lick.

  “WHAT THE WHAT’N WHAT?!!!”

  I was woken up this morning by a rainbow sheep licking my face.

  I know that’s not really a big deal. But it’s what she did after that was really crazy.

  “You boys want some breakfast?” the rainbow sheep said.

  “Doh!”

  “Uh. . . yeah, sure,” Steve said, a bit freaked out.

  Then another rainbow sheep came out.

  “Are you boys going back into town today? Cause I need somebody to pick up some milk. . .Baaaahhhhh!”

  “What in the what’n world is going on?” I whispered to Steve.

  “I don’t know. But we better just play along and find a way out of here,” Steve said.

  “Uh. . .sure, sir. We’ll bring back some milk. . .he-he.”

  “Steve, are you all right? I think you’ve been hitting those trees a little too hard lately,” the rainbow sheep-man said.

  If we weren’t weirded out before, our heads were about to explode by now.

  So me and Steve just decided to quietly sneak out of his house and get the hey outta there.

  “So. . .uh. . .dude. WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON?!!!!”

  “Dude, don’t ask me. I’m just as creeped out as you are,” Steve said. “What I’m wondering is what happened to Owen and Emma. You know, the Villagers that I stay with.”

  “Uh, bro. . .I don’t know how to tell you this. But I think that was Owen and Emma.”

  While we were standing there trying to figure out what was going on. . .all of a sudden, it started raining gumdrops.

  Steve picked one up in his hand and looked at it.

  Then he threw it in his mouth and a big smile came on his face.

  “Dude, it’s like my favorite flavor. Watermelon.”

  “Eeeeewwwwwww! Mommy, Mommy! That strange boy with the big square head just put the bird poopie in his mouth. Eeeeeewwww!”

  “Let’s go, dear. Those boys obviously don’t have any manners,” the lady Enderman said with her chin up in the air.

  Wow. I didn’t even know Endermen had chins.

  Anyway, me and Steve looked up and right above us were a bunch of pink and yellow birds swirling around, dropping gumdrops on top of us.

  But what can I say. . .they were watermelon flavored.

  We really couldn’t help ourselves.

  Monday,

  Later that Day. . .

  So we decided to go back to my neighborhood.

  But, as we walked around everybody just kept giving us really weird looks.

  Especially me.

  “What’s up with these guys?” I whispered to Steve. “It’s like they’d never seen a Zombie before.”

  But then we noticed there were only Villagers, Endermen, and a whole lot of rainbow sheep around. And a bunch of passive mobs, like chickens, cows, and pigs and stuff.

  But there wasn’t a Zombie, Skeleton, Creeper, or Slime anywhere.

  I tried waving at them, but every time I did, the Endermen just teleported out of there, the Villagers ran into their houses and the passive mobs just ran into the bushes.

  “What the. . .?”

  So, we finally made it to my house and I was so hungry I just wanted to grab some cake.

  So I went straight to the fridge and there was a huge cake just waiting for me.

  Ooooooohhhh, Caaaaaake!

  I was ready to just bury my face into the cake, when all of a sudden. . .

  BBBBBAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

  “Who are you and what have you done with my son?!” the crazy looking rainbow sheep said.

  “What are you talking about? I live here!”

  “You do not! My husband and I, and our two sons live here, and that cake was for my son Wesley’s 5th birthday party!”

  “Wait. . .what?”

  “That’s my son Wesley’s cake, and you’d better get your hands off it before I horse-kick you in the face!”

  “Wait a minute. . .did you say Wesley?”

  “Yes. But why do you want to know you my son’s name, you weirdo?”

  “Uh. . .your name wouldn’t happen to be Muriel Beatrice Zombie, would it?”

  “BAAAAAAAHHH! See I knew you were a weirdo! My name is Muriel Beatrice Sheeperston, not Zombie.”

  “Sheeper. . .what?!!”

  But before I could ask more questions, I could tell she was already getting into position to horse-kick me in the face.

  So me and Steve just decided to get the hey out of there.

  “Now, get out! You and your funny smelling friend with the weirdly-shaped head before I call the Cyber Police!”

  SLAM!

  Man, so much for cake.

  “Dude! What just happened?” I asked Steve, who was so weirded out by what happened that he was totally speechless.

  “Uh. . .I think we both know, dude.”

  “You mean. . .that rainbow sheep was. . .was. . .was. . .my mom?”

  “Uh. . .huh.”

  “And the other rainbow sheep at your house were Owen and Emma?”

  “Mmm, hmm.”

  Then I had to ask, even though I really didn’t want to. . .

  “And then that means that our time traveling pranks somehow backfired, which means that we broke time and ripped the fabric of the universe so badly that the world as we know it has been changed forever.”

  “Uh. . .yeah, something like that.”

  Then we just looked each other.

  “WWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!”

  Normally, I could rely on Steve to calm me down in a situation like this.

  But that was Steve crying this time.

  Tuesday

  We decided to sleep in a cave today.

  Things were just too weird at my house.

  But then we were woken up to bunch of sirens outside.

  “Dude, what’s that?”

  Next thing we knew, a group of scary looking robots surrounded us, grabbed us and put handcuffs on us.

  “Hey, what gives, man?!!!! Steve said.

  Then they put hoods over our heads and before we knew it, they threw us in a van.

  SLAM!!!

  After driving for a while, they finally
brought us to a room in some building, and tied us to a chair.

  “So. You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you?” a creepy sounding lady said.

  “Mmmfff mmmffrrrff mmfffggrrmmff.”

  “What?”

  “Mmmfff mmmffrrrff mmfffggrrmmff.”

  “Take their hoods off!”

  “I said, I really had to go number two. . .But forget it now,” I said as I got comfortable in my hard but creamy chair.

  Blech!

  SPLAT!

  Yeah, I think all the excitement was getting to Steve.

  “Who are you?” I asked the cold, but familiar-looking human lady.

  “You don’t remember me, do you? Well maybe this will jog your memory. . .” she said as she undid the bun in her hair.

  “ONE DAY MINECRAFT WILL BE MOM FRIENDLY! I PROMISE YOU! I PROMISE YOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!”

  “NO WAY!”

  “Yes way. It’s me, Mabel Mombottom! But you can call me Momma Mabel, the CEO of MicroCraft.”

  “WHAT?!!!!!”

  “I told you I would get my revenge. And after I figured out how to create my own Time Portal, I went back in time 30 years ago and got a job at MicroCraft as a mail clerk. Then I spent these last 30 years working my way up the ladder, plotting my revenge until I became CEO.”

  Me and Steve just looked at each other in total shock.

  I think we were also just really impressed that the Time Portal could go that far.

  “And the first thing I did as CEO was to buy Mojang so that I could have total control of Minecraft. And once I got control of Mojang, I made it so that only humans could be game developers, and I threw every mob videogame maker out on the street.”

  “That was you?!!!” Steve said.

  “Yes. And after that, I started a chain reaction that would lead to my ultimate vision of what Minecraft was meant to be. It started with my introduction of Minecraft Update 1.9, which introduced the ‘Cool Down’ effect, totally eliminating all the fun in PVP.”