Zombie's Excellent Adventure Read online

  “That was you too?!!!” Steve yelled.

  “And then after a series of discouraging updates, it would culminate in finally releasing the ultimate Mom Friendly Minecraft Update called. . .”

  Then the robots next to Mabel got in formation and yelled:

  “DUH, DUH, DUUUUNNNN!!!”

  “The Infinity Update 2.0!”

  “There’s no way you’re going to do that because we’re going to stop you,” I said.

  “But don’t you see, Zombie? The Infinity Update 2.0 was meant to get rid of every hostile mob in Minecraft by turning them into passive. . .rainbow. . .sheep. . .”

  “Huh! Oh no!”

  “MUAHAHAHAHA!” Mabel cackled.

  Oh, man! This is crazy. That means my mom and dad, Wesley, all my friends, my teachers, my village, everybody’s been turned into rainbow sheep!

  “Hey, but what about Owen and Emma at my house?” Steve said. “They were Villagers, they didn’t hurt anybody!”

  “Well, I heard about that dumb ‘Chosen One’ prophecy, and I didn’t want to take any chances. So I just told Mojang to turn everybody in the Chosen One’s village into sheep too. I wouldn’t want to wake up and find out the ‘Chosen One’ ruined everything, you know.”

  Wait a minute! Then that means that Steve is the. . .!

  “But, enough talk. My robot minions are just going to roll you over to the next room where we have a surprise waiting for you. It’s a special machine we like to call, the Sheepinator!”

  “What?!!!”

  “It’ll definitely cure you of all your troublemaking.” Mabel continued. “Then you two can just go live useless lives in your precious Minecraft. . .or should I now call it. . . Mom-Craft?”

  “WHAT?!!!”

  “Mom-Craft! What a great idea. . . MUAHAHAHAHA!”

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I yelled as they rolled us away to get Sheepomized.

  Tuesday,

  Later that Day. . .

  They threw us in a cell to wait while they got the Sheepinator up and running.

  “Dude, we have to find a way outta here,” Steve said.

  “Yeah, but then what? Minecraft has been transformed into a civilized and age appropriate experience, full of positive educational content. . .It’s terrible!”

  “Hey, I got an idea. If we could get out of here and go back to my house, then we can use our Time Portal to go back in time and fix this,” Steve said.

  “Steve, I like the idea. And, hey, I even more like knowing that this whole ‘tearing the fabric of the universe’ thing wasn’t our fault. But how are we going to go back that far? I mean, we’ve never time traveled back more than a few hours?”

  “Well, I think with a little tweaking, we can at least go back far enough to stop the Infinity 2.0 Update. I mean, she said it happened recently, right? So, I think I could get it to go back that far. Whaddya say, Dude? Should we do this?”

  “Let’s do this!”

  The good thing is that the cells weren’t built for holding Zombies.

  So, a little pull here and a little snap there and a few twists here and there, and I was able to slip through the cell bars with no problem.

  Once I got the keys, I let Steve out and we made our escape.

  But then, right when we got out of the building the alarms started blaring.

  RRRRRRYYYYIIIIINNNNNNGGGG!

  We jumped on some horses that were eating grass on the hill behind the building, and we hightailed it out of there to Steve’s house.

  I mean, it was a crazy plan. Like, could we really go back and time and save our world from the Infinity 2.0 Update?

  I really didn’t know.

  I really, didn’t know.

  Wednesday

  We spent a few days hiding out at Steve’s house while he tweaked the Time Portal.

  I was just still weirded out being woken up by Emma licking my face in the morning.

  Anyway, Steve finally finished all the upgrades on the Time Portal. He even added a time dial to get us where we needed to go.

  “You ready to do this?” Steve asked me.

  “Of course, I’m not ready. But we have to, so let’s do this.”

  Then Steve turned the time dial on the Time Portal and set it for us to travel a few months back, before the Infinity Update 2.0 was released.

  We both looked at each other and gave each other a look that said, “You got this.”

  But then, suddenly. . .

  PFFFZZT! BOOM!

  PFFFZZT! BOOM!

  Somebody was firing lasers at us!

  “LOOK!” Steve yelled as he pointed down the street.

  It was Momma Mabel’s robots in their robot spaceships, riding their robot horses toward us and firing lasers at us.

  “They found us!” Steve yelled. “Dude, if we’re gonna do this, we need to do this now!

  Well, here goes nothing!

  So me and Steve both jumped head first into the Time Portal.

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  PFFFZZT! BOOM!

  Thursday

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  We came out of the Time Portal determined to stop the Infinity 2.0 Update and get things back to normal.

  Except when we got out of the portal, it looked like Minecraft, just a little different.

  “Wait a minute. . .where is everything?”

  “I don’t know,” Steve said. “I think we might be in a new biome or something.”

  So we started walking around, hoping that we could eventually run into some trees or something.

  But no matter what direction we went, there was just nothing.

  So, we started digging underground.

  Still nothing.

  “Dude, where did you bring us?”

  Then I caught a glimpse of somebody really far away peeing on a grass block.

  “Hey, look! There’s some bald dude with a goatee over there, let’s go ask him.

  So we ran over to where the guy was.

  Except, when he saw us running to him, he started running away.

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH! A Zombie and a guy with a weird-shaped head!”

  “Hey! Slow down,” I yelled at him. “We’re not here to hurt you, we just need to know where we are!”

  The guy finally stopped, and he started to slowly walk over to us.

  “Hey, can you point us to Minecraft MicroCraft Towers?” I asked him.

  “The what?”

  “Minecraft MicroCraft Towers. . .You know, the huge building with the big sign on top.”

  “What’s Minecraft?”

  Then I looked at Steve.

  He just shrugged.

  “So where are we?” I asked the bald dude with the goatee.

  “Oh, this is called ‘Cave Game.’ I come here sometimes to relax and think. I’m actually trying to design this really cool first player sandbox game, but I can’t figure out what to do next.”

  “Wait a minute. . .did you say, CAVE GAME!”

  “Yeah. I was thinking of calling it the ‘Order of the Stone’ but it sounded kinda lame.”

  I just stood there with my mouth open.

  “Uh. . .your name wouldn’t happen to be Markus, would it?” I asked him.

  “Yeah, how’d you know. But you can call me Notch,” the guy said sticking his hand out to shake.

  I couldn’t believe it! It was my hero, Notch!

  I couldn’t wait to shake his hand. . .even though he had just finished tinkling with it.

  “You’re Notch! Whoa! I’m like your biggest fan!”

  “Really? I didn’t even know I had fans. Haven’t really created anything worth having fans for, but cool. . .I dig it.”

 
“So, what update is this?” Steve asked.

  “Update? What’s that? If you mean what version, I just call it ‘rd-132211.’”

  Then Steve grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side.

  “Dude, I think we went all the way back to Pre-Classic Minecraft!” he whispered.

  “Seriously?!!!”

  “Yeah. And, hey, I know you’re like feeling all fan girly and stuff right now, but we got to get back and save the world, remember?”

  Steve had a point.

  “Hey, maybe Notch can help us?” I asked Steve. “We could just tell him to not take the 2.5 billion dollars they’re going to offer him for Mojang, and just stay true to the game. Then they’ll be no Infinity Update 2.0. So I’m sure he’ll do it.”

  “No way, if we tell him anything we could totally change the future into something crazier than what it is now. Haven’t you ever heard of the butterfly effect?”

  “Isn’t that like when you leave your fly open, and you don’t really know about it until later when you get home, and your mom tells you. And then you realize you had it open all day. . .at school. . .when you talked to the girl you liked. . .when you got up in front of the class to read your essay. . .and then you realize the cool kids weren’t really laughing with you?”

  “Uh, yeah, something like that.”

  “You know we could just tell Notch that his fly is open,” I said.

  Steve just face-palmed really quick and then told me the plan.

  “Let’s just tell him that we’re game developers and we were testing our game when we accidentally logged onto his server,” Steve said.

  “Uh. . .okay.”

  “Hey, Notch,” Steve said. “Sorry, we got in your game. We accidentally logged onto your server, but we need to get back to finishing developing our game.”

  “Oh, you guys are game developers too? What’s the name of your game?”

  “Roblux. Yeah, I’m still working on the name,” Steve said.

  “Yeah. . .keep working on it. Names are always really lame when you start,” Notch said.

  So, me and Steve said our goodbyes and started heading back to the Time Portal.

  But I had to try to convince Notch to help us, somehow.

  So I told Steve to hold up because I wanted to go back and tell Notch about the butterfly effect.

  So as I was walking to Notch, I just wrote a quick note without Steve knowing.

  “Here, Mr. Notch,” I said. “But don’t read it until the time is right.”

  “Whoa, my first fan letter. Thanks, smelly green boy.”

  “Oh, you can call me Zombie.”

  “Okay. Thanks, smelly green Zombie.”

  So Steve and I ran back to the Time Portal.

  But when we got there, we couldn’t believe it.

  There was a huge chunk missing where the Time Portal dial used to be.

  “Man, no wonder it sent us all the way back here!” Steve said. “We must’ve gotten hit by one of the robot’s lasers.”

  “So what do we do now?”

  “Well, without that dial, if we jump in the Time Portal, we won’t know where we’ll end up,” Steve said. “I could fix it, but look around, there’s nothing here to fix it with.”

  So just as we were thinking about what we were going to do, suddenly we heard. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  “There they are! Get them!”

  PFFFZZT! BOOM!

  PFFFZZT! BOOM!

  “It’s the robots! They found us!” Steve yelled.

  “I think we need to get out of here, Steve!”

  “But if we jump in the portal, we won’t know where we’ll end up,” Steve said.

  “Dude, I don’t think we have a choice. Anywhere is better than here!”

  PFFFZZT! BOOM!

  So, we didn’t know what would happen or where we would end up. But, we jumped head first into the Time Portal anyway.

  Well. . .at least we should be safe. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  Friday

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  “What the crazy, what!”

  Well, we thought we’d be safe, but we were so wrong.

  “Dude, where are we now?” I said as I looked at Steve.

  Except there was something wrong with Steve, too. He looked like Skelly except with a bigger head.

  “Steve, what happened to your skin?”

  “Me? What happened to you? Why is your face all the way down on your belly button?”

  “What the. . .?”

  Then we looked around and everything was all weird.

  There were Endermen with little legs, Withers with two heads, one-eyed Zombies, and there was this really weird looking thing trying to crawl up my leg. . .

  “Dude! I think we broke Minecraft!” I said.

  “Whoa.”

  Then a really weird bird walked by.

  PTAW! PTAW!

  “Hey, bird, what update is this?” Steve asked.

  PTAW! PTAW!

  “What do you mean, why do I have a weird shaped head?”

  PTAW! PTAW!

  “What do you mean, my friend smells funny?”

  “PTAW! PTAW!”

  “What do you mean, you don’t associate with losers?”

  “PTAW!”

  “Anyway, what Minecraft update is this?”

  PTAW! PTAW! PTAW!

  “What do you mean the best Minecraft Update ever? You mean Minecraft 1.8?”

  Then the bird just stuck out its chin and flew away.

  Then, as we looked up to see it fly away, it dropped a deuce.

  SPLAT!

  “Uh. . .I guess you must’ve offended him,” I told Steve, while wiping my face.

  Then I thought I saw a Villager bobbing its head up and down behind a bush.

  “Hey, look, there’s a Villager!” I said. “Let’s ask him.”

  But when we got to him, it wasn’t just a Villager. It was a Villager with a head on his shoulders, a head on his feet, and a head on his butt.

  “What the what is that?”

  “I don’t know, but it looks like it wants to talk to us,” Steve said.

  “Yeah, what part?”

  Then the weird Villager thing hobbled over to us.

  “You folks new around here? You look kinda strange, so you sorta stick out,” the creepy Villager said.

  “Uh, yeah. We just blew in from Stupidtown. . .Hey, what Minecraft update is this?”

  “You boys sure are strange,” the Villager said. “But, hey, I’m not here to judge. Well, this is the greatest Minecraft Update that Mojang has ever made.”

  “You mean Minecraft 1.8?”

  “Minecraft 1.8? What’s that? No, Minecraft 1.7.10! The ultimate Minecraft Update.”

  “Ohhhhh! Now it makes sense,” I blurted. “It sure explains all the craziness around here. Minecraft 1.7.10 is like the ultimate Mods update. Kinda explains why I can see through head. . .and your clothes.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, the X-ray Mod. . .it was always my favorite. But next time we go on an adventure, let me know you’re going commando, okay? I haven’t looked down since I got here, and my neck is starting to hurt.”

  “Doh!”

  “Hey, maybe we can find what we need to fix the Time Portal here?” I said. “And if not, we can always make a Mod to do it.”

  “Great idea,” Steve said.

  But right before were about to walk away, suddenly we heard. . .

  “WWWHHOOLLLOOOLOOOOAAAA!!!!”

  “What the what was that!”

  Next thing we know, a stick man with a huge square head came runn
ing toward us.

  “You have returned! The prophecy has come true!” the stick man said.

  Then a group of other stick men, and I think women, came rushing over to us.

  “Oh, square-headed one, please show us the way to enlightenment,” they said as the bowed down to Steve.

  “Dude, uh. . .maybe this is because you’re the Chosen One,” I whispered to Steve.

  “And now we can start the SACRIFICE!” the weird stick man yelled.

  “WWWHHOOLLLOOOLOOOOAAAA!!!!”

  “Uh. . .I think they’re talking about something else,” Steve said. “And that’s our cue to GET THE HEY OUT OF HERE!”

  So we ran as fast as we could back to the portal.

  “OH, SQUARE ONE! LET US FEAST ON YOUR LARGE CRANIUM AND GAIN YOUR INFINITE KNOWLEDGE!”

  “WWWHHOOLLLOOOLOOOOAAAA!!!!”

  Uh, this time we didn’t have time to think about where we were going, we just jumped head-first into the Time Portal.

  Oh, man, I really hope we don’t die. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  Saturday

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  “Uh Steve. . .”

  “Yeah?”

  “Something tells me we’re not in Minecraft anymore.”

  “Uh. . .what gave it away,” Steve said while getting a dollop of rainbow ice cream that came out of a unicorn’s butt.

  “Yum, strawberry flavored.”

  “Dude, where are we?”