Zombie's Excellent Adventure Read online

“I don’t know,” Steve said.

  I mean, don’t get me wrong. I liked the rainbow clouds, the lollipop trees, and lake of chocolate milk. Not to mention the candy corn fields were pretty cool. And huge cuddly teddy bears walking around were kinda nice too.

  “Oh no!” Steve said.

  “What?”

  “I’m gonna try something,” Steve said.

  Then Steve yelled at the top of his voice. . .

  %$&*#@&%!

  Nothing. It was just silent. So Steve yelled again. . .

  %$&*#@&%!

  “Oh no! The child filter is on. . .like permanently!”

  “Wait a minute. . .doesn’t that mean?”

  All of sudden, a rainbow-colored airplane flew by with a big sign at the end of it that said:

  WELCOME TO MOM-CRAFT – WHERE EVERY CHILD IS SAFE FROM HARM.

  We just stood there speechless for few minutes.

  And if that wasn’t disturbing enough, all of a sudden, we heard. . .

  ZZZZT. . .FZZZLLL. . .BRRTTT. . .BOOM!

  And when we turned around to see where the weird sounds were coming from, our worst fears came true.

  Yup. . .our Time Portal was dead.

  After a few tears and a lot of silent moments, we took a long hard look out at everything.

  “So this is the future?!!!” Steve said with a depressed look on his face.

  “You mean if we fail, this is what Minecraft is going to turn into?” I asked him.

  “Well, if you haven’t noticed, our Time Portal is dead and so we’re stuck here forever. So there’s no ‘IF’ anymore. And. . .”

  Steve didn’t finish what he had to say. I just figured the child filter blocked sarcasm too.

  Then a loud bell started chiming, and suddenly a song came on the loudspeakers all over the town.

  Then a soothing voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Okay, children, it’s time for our afternoon nap. Just cuddle next to your teddy, drink your tall glass of warm milk, and pull up your warm blanky. It’s time to ride the rainbow to dreamland.”

  I tried to resist. . .really. But the teddy bears were so cuddly. . .and the blanket was so warm.

  When I looked over at Steve, he was already playing with the tickle monster and falling fast asleep.

  “Have beautiful dreams boys and girls. . . and remember, Mom-Craft. . . where every child is safe from harm.”

  ZZZZZZZZZ.

  Sunday

  “Uuurrrggghhhyyaaawwwnn!”

  When I woke up I was in the arms of a giant teddy bear.

  Well, when I realized how weird all this was, I jumped up and woke Steve up.

  “DUDE! WAKE UP!”

  “Five more minutes. . .I’m in the perfect position. I don’t wanna get up.”

  “Dude, we need to get out of here!”

  “Mmfffftttt?” Steve said as he realized he had a fuzzy foot in his mouth.

  “Ewwwwwwww!”

  So Steve jumped up and we both ran out of there.

  “Steve, we need to get out of here. Can’t you find something here to fix the Time Portal?”

  “What’s the use? Every time we try something, we just keep messing up. We don’t know where to go. And we don’t know how to get there. We might as well just accept it. . .it’s over.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  If I had ears, I’d probably clean them out with a Brillo pad right now.

  Steve was giving up? Steve never gives up.

  Then Steve sat down on the warm blanket covered hills, cuddled up into a ball, and went back to sleep.

  “STEVE!”

  “Seriously, man, what’s the use?” he said.

  “Dude, we owe it to all of our friends, we owe it to our families. We owe it to all the millions of kids who didn’t have a life before Minecraft. You know, all the kids who were really bored playing terrible online games and whose parents were too strict to buy them a GameStation or a Zintendo or a ZBox console. Remember how bad those days were?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And remember when Minecraft first came out, and kids all over the world started building walls, and squares, and building really high poles. . .?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And remember when kids spent hours trying to figure out how to make servers? And when they finally figured it out, how they were able to make friends with kids with weird accents from all around the world?

  “Yeah.”

  “And how all of a sudden, nerdy kids became cool, and Minecraft memes were cool, and being a Noob was cool?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Bro, are we really going to give up? Or are we going to stand up for the millions of Minecraft obsessed kids around the world? And for all the immature adult males that have finally found a reason to spend more time with their kids? And for all the Minecon fans that will sacrifice their freedom to face the punishment for skipping school in order to be part of the most amazing event ever?”

  “YEAH!”

  “Let’s do this!”

  Yup, the Chosen One was back!

  So we spent the whole afternoon trying to fix the Time Portal with licorice sticks, gum drops, candy corn, and strawberry syrup.

  But we did it.

  “I think it’s only going to hold up for one more trip,” Steve said. “So, wherever we’re going, it’s a one-way trip. There’s no going home.”

  “That’s fine by me, bro. Let’s do this!”

  Steve even made a time dial out of a giant Zoreo Cookie.

  So now, we had to pick where we were going to go.

  “How about we go to the greatest Minecraft Update ever?” Steve asked me.

  I just gave him a really big, cheesy, toothless smile.

  Minecraft Update 1.8. . .

  Here we come!

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  Monday

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  We made it.

  Minecraft Update 1.8!

  Ahh. I could just smell the adventure in the air.

  ZZZT. . .FZZZLLL. . .BRRRTTT. . .BOOM!

  Yup. . .the Time Portal died right when we got here.

  And there was no fixing it either.

  So this was going to be our new home now.

  Anyway, today just happened to be the day that Notch sells out.

  Today is the day that Mojang is taken over by MicroCraft and the beginning of the end for Minecraft.

  So we went back to Steve’s house to grab some supplies.

  Grappling hook? Check.

  Smoke bomb potions? Check.

  Backpack full of stuff we picked up from our Time Travel adventures? Check

  So once we were all ready, we trekked to MicroCraft Towers for our final showdown.

  We finally made it to MicroCraft Towers, and we hid in the hills overlooking the building.

  The place was like a fortress, guarded with like a hundred security guards.

  Momma Mabel had been secretly plotting this takeover for years. So you can tell she didn’t want to have anything, or anybody, stopping her from taking over Minecraft.

  “So, what’s our plan, Steve?”

  “Well, we need to get into MicroCraft Towers and stop Notch from selling Mojang.”

  “But it’s guarded by like a hundred security guards. Not only that, it looks like the building is soundproof, bulletproof and locked down tight.”

  “It’s all right. I got a plan that will take care of those security guards,” Steve said with a big cheesy smile.

  Then, we walked over to the electric control panel outside.

  “Here, put these in your ears,” Steve said, handing me some candy corn.


  “What are these for?”

  “You’ll see,” Steve said while pulling out a huge radio from his backpack.

  I didn’t have ears, so I put them in the next best place. But it sure did itch, like a lot.

  Then Steve opened the control panel and connected the radio to some Redstone switches that belonged to the sound system.

  “Well, here goes nothing,” he said.

  Then he pressed PLAY.

  “Okay, children, it’s time for our afternoon nap. Just cuddle next to your teddy, drink your tall glass of warm milk, and pull up your warm blanky. It’s time to ride the rainbow to dreamland.”

  The sound blasted through the loudspeakers all around the building.

  Suddenly, the guards out front started dropping like flies.

  “Have beautiful dreams boys and girls. . .and remember, Mom-Craft. . .where every child is safe from harm.”

  When the last guard finally fell asleep, me and Steve made our move.

  We grabbed a keycard from one of the guards and made it into the building.

  We looked at the office menu-board and it said, CEO – Mabel Mombottom – Top Floor.

  Of course, all the elevators were shut down, so we had to take the stairs all the way to the top floor.

  All 87 floors of them.

  Yeah, remember I told you I run like a one-hundred-year-old man?

  Well, let’s just say, after a few hours, I looked like a one-hundred-year-old lady. . . that got stuck in a tanning booth. . .for about a week. . .that later exploded.

  But there it was, the CEO’s office was right in front of us.

  “This is it, Dude! I’ll rush in and create a distraction and you grab Notch and throw him out the window.”

  “Seriously?!!!”

  “Naw, just kidding. I’ll create a distraction, and you see if you could sneak Notch out before they know what hit them. Deal?’

  “Deal!”

  “Let’s do this!”

  Monday,

  Later That Day. . .

  BLAM!!!!!

  Steve burst in through the doors and threw a few smoke bomb potions in the room.

  “BOOOSSHHH!”

  Cough! Cough! Cough!

  Everybody was coughing, but it didn’t bother me. . .I don’t have lungs, remember?

  Anyway, I looked around through the room to see if I could see Notch’s bald head.

  But suddenly, one of the robots transformed into a huge fan and blew all the smoke out of the room.

  And once the smoke cleared, Steve was in the grip of one of Momma Mabel’s robot minions with Mabel standing there with her smug Mom face.

  “MUAHAHAHAHA! I had a feeling you’d be coming here,” Mabel said.

  Then, suddenly, somebody behind me said, “Yes, you were right to come and warn me.”

  I turned around and. . . there were two Momma Mabels!

  “I had a feeling you’d be coming here,” future Mabel said, “so I came to warn myself and prevent you from screwing up our deal to buy Mojang.”

  Man, this time travel stuff is really giving me a headache.

  Anyway, then both Mabel’s started cackling, “MMUUAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAA!”

  Suddenly, a robot jumped me from behind and grabbed me.

  CLANK!

  “Now take them to my Time Portal,” future Mabel said. “Send them back to where they won’t cause any trouble. Yes, I think a nice visit to the Sheepinator should cure them of all their trouble making once and for all. MUAHAHAHAHA!”

  Then, as they were dragging us away, Notch and his lawyers came out of the closet.

  This was my last chance!

  “Notch, don’t do it, man! Don’t sell out! You don’t need 2.5 Billion Dollars! Stay true to the game, man! Stay. . . True. . .To. . .The. . .Game!!!!”

  But from the look of shame on Notch’s face, and by the look of the pen in his hand, I could tell we were too late.

  We were just too late. . .

  The robots took us downstairs where Mabel’s Time Portal was waiting.

  I just looked over at Steve, and he looked over at me with a proud look on his face.

  And even though we failed, he still gave me a thumbs-up.

  And I gave one back.

  Then they threw us into the Time Portal.

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  Tuesday

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  We were expecting a painful robot welcome, but when we got back, we were back at Steve’s house.

  “Hey, where is everybody?” I asked Steve. “And why are we back at your house?”

  “I don’t know. But, honestly, I’m too tired to care right now.”

  I could tell Steve was sad.

  But who could blame him.

  I mean, we failed.

  And now Minecraft would never be the same awesome game loved by kids and immature men all over the world, ever again.

  I got really sad too.

  So we just laid there and cried ourselves to sleep.

  Wednesday

  I was expecting to be woken up by a rainbow sheep licking my face.

  But instead, I heard. . .

  “BREAKFAST!”

  “Uuuurrgghhwhazzzzat?”

  “Hey, Steve. . .Zombie, come in here and get breakfast before it gets cold,” somebody yelled.

  “Wait. . .how do sheep know how to make breakfast?” I asked Steve.

  Steve was as weirded out as I was.

  So we got up and slowly walked in to his house, and we were totally blown away.

  “OWEN!”

  And then a Villager lady walked into the kitchen.

  “HRRRRR.”

  “EMMA!”

  “You guys are back!” Steve yelled as he gave them both hugs and pinched their long noses.

  “Uh. . .I think you’d better stop punching those trees,” Owen said, a little creeped out. “I think it’s causing more damage than the doctor said it would.”

  Me and Steve were so excited, we just grabbed some food and cake to go.

  We ran outside and started hollering and celebrating.

  “Dude, we did it! Somehow, we did it!”

  “But how?” I asked. “I saw Notch with the pen in his hand. I was sure he sold Mojang to MicroCraft.”

  Then Old Man Jenkins walked by with his Zombie horse.

  We were so happy to see him, Steve and I both tackled him with hugs.

  “What in tarnation has gotten in to you two fellas?!!! It’s like, it’s not bad enough that I have to put up with all these new Minecraft updates. Now you fellas start acting all squirrely.”

  “New updates? What new updates?” Steve asked.

  “Yeah, Mr. Jenkins. What update is this?”

  “Then he pulled out his Redstone phone with his left hand, and with his right hand he started pushing buttons.”

  “Dude, look!” I said to Steve. “Dual wielding!”

  “HOOOOOOAAHHH!”

  Then we tackled Old Man Jenkins again.

  After we helped him put himself back together, he looked at his phone and said, “Well, right now we are on Minecraft 1.12, at least that’s what it says on the MicroCraft website.”

  “Wait. . .MicroCraft! You mean MicroCraft still bought Mojang?!!!”

  “Have you boys been pixelating again or something? Of course, MicroCraft bought Mojang. Happened a few years ago. I’m still getting used to using my left hand, you know.”

  Then OId Man Jenkins took off before we could tackle him again.

  “So, Steve, what happened? If MicroCraft still bought Mojang, then why is everything still the same?”

  “I don’t know, Dude. I don’t know.”r />
  “Hey, where you guys been?” I heard a voice calling from behind me.

  It was Skelly!

  “Yeah, we haven’t seen you guys since yesterday,” somebody said.

  It was Slimey!

  “Yeah, you guys went outside to go play with your new Time Portal and then you just disappeared.”

  It was Creepy!

  “And Zombie, why do you have candy corn in your nose cavity?” Creepy said.

  “Oh, man! Am I glad to see you guys,” I said.

  “Yeah, we thought you guys were gone for good,” Steve said.

  The guys just gave us a weird look.

  . . .but we tackled them anyway.

  Wednesday,

  Later that Day. . .

  So we started telling the guys the story of our excellent adventure, when suddenly. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  A Time portal appeared, and robots started coming through!

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  There was like a whole army of them.

  And last but not least. . .

  FFFZZZZZZZSSSH!

  “MUAHAHAHAHA! Did you think you could escape from me?”

  It was Momma Mabel!

  “Face it, Mabel!” I said. “You lost! And now Minecraft is back to the way it should be!”

  “Oh, you think you are so smart, do you?” Mabel said as her army got into battle formation.

  “Well, just because you convinced Notch to put a clause in his contract that said the only way he would sell is if they fired me as CEO. . .”