Creeper Life Read online

  As soon as I walked on the bus, I knew I was in trouble.

  When I got on the bus, there was a huge sign in front of me that said. . .

  ABSOLUTELY NO FARTING ON THE BUS!

  Oh man, it was too late to get off the bus so I had to find a way to keep from getting too nervous.

  So I looked around to see who I could sit next to.

  Most of the seats were taken, except for an empty seat next to an Enderman kid.

  As I walked closer to him, I could tell he was a little different. I think it was the scar over his left eye.

  “What are you staring at Noob?!” he said.

  Oh boy, I started getting really nervous now.

  So, I decided to avoid him and sit next to a Ghast girl.

  I could tell she was really shy because she just sat there making cat noises.

  After I sat down, I heard one of the kids sneeze behind us.

  All of a sudden, the Ghast girl jumped up and started wailing and screaming all around the bus.

  “Keep it down back there!” the bus driver yelled.

  Finally, some other girls helped calm the Ghast girl down.

  Then they spent the rest of the ride picking the boogers out of her hair.

  I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about until I saw a couple of kids staring at my head.

  You’d think because I was green, they would’ve blended in better.

  Before we got to school, I could tell the mean Enderman kid was up to something.

  When no one was looking, he took out a can of pumpkin stew and opened it.

  I think you we’re not supposed to eat on the bus, but I didn’t want to tattle on him.

  But then he made a gurgling sound and dumped the whole can of pumpkin stew on the ground.

  SPPPLLAAATTTT!!!

  Then the whole bus went crazy.

  All of sudden, the Enderman kid jumped up and yelled, “IT WAS THE CREEPER!”

  “EWWWWWWW! CREEPER COOTIES!”

  Everybody started looking at me and pointing their fingers.

  Yeah, that was the last bit of motivation I needed to pull the pin off my butt grenade.

  Then, when the smell hit them, all the other kids started throwing up.

  By the time we got to school, the bus looked like there was an explosion at a cottage cheese factory.

  Now I think I know why my Mom told me I shouldn’t ride the school bus.

  Saturday

  Today, I went to a convention called Minecon so I could check out the new Minecraft toys that came out.

  One of the things I like to do for fun is collect cool toys.

  I’m almost finished collecting all the Minecraft action figures.

  Though, I’m still having a hard time finding Herobrine.

  Except, when I got to the convention, no one would talk to me.

  I don’t know why.

  I would go up to people and say, “Thasssss a very nice toy you’ve got there. . . It’d be a ssssshame if anything were to happen to it. . .”

  And then they would run away.

  I guess they didn’t like my lisp.

  . . .Or my farts.

  I also like collecting music discs.

  I keep a few with me all the time.

  Mom says I shouldn’t walk around with music discs in my pocket.

  She says I may run into a gang of Skeletons.

  Sunday

  Now, the weirdest thing happened today.

  A bunch of Zombies went crazy and took over the village next to my house.

  My friend Zeke said his mom called it a Zombie Apocalypse.

  I just thought they were having a sale on turquoise shirts or something.

  …And I didn’t even know Zombies had lips.

  It was kinda weird because Zombies are usually really nice.

  It wasn’t like them to get all crazy and stuff.

  But they were grunting and drooling and acting all uncivilized.

  And it wasn’t even dinnertime!

  My Mom said that weird stuff like that always happens to kids at our age.

  She called it puberty. . .whatever that means.

  Weird stuff started happening to all my other friends, too.

  Ned, Jed, and Fred started hurling skulls every time they sneeze.

  Now, it wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t blow everything up.

  First time it happened, they were in the school bathroom and Fred had to sneeze.

  Next thing we know, it was raining colored toilet paper.

  Ed the Enderman started going through changes, too.

  He started walking in his sleep.

  It’s not dangerous, though.

  Although, one day my little brother went missing.

  And the next day, we found him at Ed’s house.

  We still don’t know how he got there.

  I started going through changes of my own.

  My neck is a little longer than it was a few weeks ago.

  And I started to hover a little off the ground when I walk.

  Comes in handy when I’m walking over puddles, though.

  But the one that’s really going through changes is my friend Herobrine.

  His eye sockets started glowing in the dark all of a sudden.

  And, sometimes when he gets mad, stuff just bursts into flames around him.

  We were a bit creeped out at first.

  Now, we just make him mad whenever we want to make s’mores.

  Yum. . .

  Monday

  Today in writing class, Ms. Nilnose asked us to write about what we wished for most.

  Yeah, she’s always asking us to write about corny stuff like that.

  But, after thinking about it for a while, I wrote down that I really wish they would find a cure for Creeper Spontaneous Combustion.

  Because if they did, then I’d be able to do all the things that I really want to do.

  Things like:

  Ride on rollercoasters.

  Do parkour.

  Go skydiving.

  Go Bungee jumping—though I came close to doing this on a dare once.

  Play paintball.

  Play dodgeball.

  Play hopscotch.

  Breakdance.

  And be a contestant on American Idol.

  Yeah, being a Creeper, I miss out on a lot of cool things in life.

  But my real secret wish is to get a tattoo.

  It would probably say Mom. . .or Mojang or something cool like that.

  Now, you’re probably wondering where I would put it.

  On my butt. . .where else?

  That’s where all the other Minecraft mobs put it.

  Plus, that way everybody can see it.

  Tuesday

  Today is the Fourth of July.

  And, it’s also my birthday.

  My favorite part about the Fourth of July is the fireworks.

  Now, Creepers make the best fireworks.

  It’s because of the gunpowder we use.

  You see, we use the best gunpowder because it’s all natural.

  Now, I know what you’re thinking. . .

  And, the answer is yes. . .Creepers do poop gunpowder.

  It makes great fertilizer and great fireworks.

  Sweet!

  We can make different color fireworks depending of the color of our gunpowder poop.

  So, on the Fourth of July, we eat different foods to get the best colored fireworks.

  We eat apples for red fireworks.

  We eat pumpkins for orange fireworks.

  And we eat golden apples fo
r gold fireworks.

  But, today I’m going to get really creative.

  I’m going to eat a whole bag of Skittles, and my fireworks are going to be awesome!

  Now, for my birthday, my mom made two cakes.

  One for me. . .

  And one for everybody else. . .

  My mom also made me pumpkin pie because I really like eating pumpkins.

  I mean, I can eat pumpkins in everything.

  Pumpkin stew, pumpkin pie, pumpkin pudding, pumpkin cake. . .pumpkin everything.

  My mom thought because I like pumpkin so much, she could trick me into eating my greens.

  Didn’t work. . .

  I don’t know why Mom wants me to eat my greens.

  I’m already green enough so what do I need them for?

  She says because they’re green, they’re nutritious.

  Yeah, so are boogers but you don’t see me eating those.

  Blech!

  Wednesday

  Today after school, my Mom and Dad took us to my grandma and grandpa’s house.

  I think they said they had to go to a PTA meeting at my school.

  Yeah, I didn’t believe them.

  I think they just snuck out to go scare some Villagers or something.

  But, I really like visiting my grandparents.

  My grandpa’s name is Harry Creeper.

  He looks a bit different than most Creepers.

  He smells really funny, too.

  Especially when he gets wet.

  My grandma’s name is Ada Creeper.

  She’s really nice.

  She’s actually from a Biome where they grow a lot of Ender Berries.

  They say she ate too many Ender Berries when she was a kid and it turned her a different color.

  Here’s a picture of her from when we went on vacation. . .

  She also makes the best purple fireworks I’ve ever seen.

  On my mom’s side, I have cool grandparents too.

  But they travel a lot, so I don’t see them much.

  My grandpa’s name on my mom’s side is Major Creeper.

  He was one of the first Creepers allowed in the Zombie army.

  He works on the Bomb Squad.

  But it’s not what you think. He doesn’t work with bombs.

  He’s more like a crash test dummy. . .

  But for bomb squad practice.

  My grandma is named Twilight Creeper.

  She was a famous actress once.

  They say she even had her own TV show.

  But it got cancelled.

  I heard she got replaced by ponies or something like that.

  Thursday

  Today I was thinking that if I could be like anybody in the whole world, I want to be like my favorite hero of all time, the Incredible Hulk.

  He’s awesome.

  I imagine I’m the Incredible Hulk sometimes.

  I imagine that I’m super strong, huge, and I can walk around barefoot like the Hulk.

  Wait a minute. . . I am barefoot.

  But I like how the Hulk jumps really far.

  If I could do that, I would jump from one Biome to the next.

  I could jump to grandma’s house and get some pumpkin stew whenever I wanted.

  Or if I fart, I could jump really far so no one would know it was me.

  . . .And I wouldn’t have to smell it.

  My other favorite superhero is the Green Lantern.

  I like him because he can make cool stuff with his ring.

  If I had a ring like that I would use it to make a giant hand.

  I would use it to wave my farts away real fast.

  The other cool cartoon characters I like are:

  Shrek

  Kermit the frog

  Green Giant

  Green Arrow

  Grinch

  Yoda

  Ninja Turtles

  And Oscar the Grouch

  They’re real cool.

  And they’re greeeeeeen!

  Friday

  Today, some of the guys came over to my house for a sleepover.

  We decided we were going to watch my favorite movie of all time called “Jeepers Creepers.”

  But I can only watch ten minutes of it because it’s so scary.

  I tried to watch the whole thing once.

  But it was really hard peeking through my fingers.

  I like movies because I like to imagine I’m the hero.

  Then, after the move is over I like to act it out in real life.

  I think a lot of Creepers do that.

  It’s probably why they don’t show any more Kung Fu movies on TV anymore.

  Unfortunately, there aren’t any Creeper action movies.

  They did try to make a Creeper action movie once.

  I think It was called “Final Detonation.”

  They started filming, but I heard they couldn’t finish.

  They ran into a lot of problems.

  Something about the actors not coming back to work.

  I guess Creepers weren’t meant to be action stars.

  . . .or stuntmen.

  Saturday

  When I woke up this morning, Herobrine, Ed, and Ned, Jed and Fred were already awake.

  They were arguing about the one thing would they change in the next Minecraft update.

  Then they asked me.

  “Well, If I could, one of the things I would change in Minecraft is to take away a Creeper’s spontaneous combustion effect,” I said.

  Actually, now that I think about it, I would give it to a Villager instead.

  Let them deal with the stinky farts and having to always keep from getting excited.

  Though, I would keep the colored gunpowder poop. . .it’s just too cool.

  The other thing I would change in Minecraft is I would make things a little more round around here.

  Instead of square trees, I would make them into giant balls.

  I would make them look like lollipops or something.

  But don’t get me wrong, I like squares.

  Especially the watermelons. . .

  Another thing I would change is that I would make the days a bit longer.

  Since Minecraft days are only twenty minutes long, it’s really hard to get anything done around here.

  Also, the Zombie and Skeleton neighborhood kids can only come out for ten minutes every night.

  Kinda makes it hard to make friends.

  And, because the days go so fast, I’m a lot older than I look.

  In your years, I’m only eleven years old.

  But in Minecraft years, I’m about 315,569 years old.

  Just call me “Gramps,” why don’t you.

  The last thing I would change in Minecraft is give Creepers longer arms.

  Creepers really do have arms.

  But they’re short and stubby, like our legs.

  Makes it really hard to keep our clothes on.

  Why do you think we walk around naked all the time?

  But if I had arms I could finally shake hands with people I meet.

  Normally, when I meet somebody, they stick out their hand for a shake.

  I feel real dumb just standing there looking at their hand.

  It’s probably why Creepers have a reputation for being anti-social.

  Sunday

  Today, somebody was posting all kinds of crazy rumors about Creepers on Face-Mob.

  Some of the things they uploaded were just downright mean.

  Like, here’s one that really bothered me. . .

  I actually like cats.

>   I’m just allergic to them, thasss all.

  Here’s another one that’s not even anatomically correct. . .

  No, our brains are not connected to TNT.

  At least that’s what my mom said when I asked her about it.

  But she did give me a weird look once. . .when I told her I got the bubble guts.

  Here’s another one. . .

  On second thought, this one is kinda true.

  What can I say?

  Creepers love hugs.

  But this one, really?

  Now, this is just wrong on so many levels.

  Monday

  Today, our 7th grade class went on a field trip to an abandoned Mineshaft.

  And boy was it was scary.

  They had minecarts, and rails, and cobwebs.

  And I don’t like cobwebs.

  When I get them on my face, I have a really hard time pulling them off.

  As we were searching the tunnels, we found a chest with cool stuff in it.

  Ms. Tibia, our science teacher, told us not to touch it.

  But I think every kid left that place with a souvenir.

  I tried to grab a diamond pick ax I found in there, but that didn’t work out too well.

  So, I took the next best thing. . .some cake!

  Good thing is, if they search me they’ll never find it.

  Unless they find a pile of gunpowder with cherries in it.