Attack of the Gnomes Read online

But I was saved just in time by an announcement over the loudspeaker. . .

  “Attention, students, we have a special announcement to make. The Red Pumpkin Emporium has decided to sponsor our Minecraft Scare School athletic program which we are very proud of. And we have decided to show our appreciation for their generous contribution by showing their commercial every day during recess for the next few weeks. So, enjoy your lunch!”

  Suddenly, that creepy commercial came on the TV in the cafeteria.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes, get your gnomes, get your gnomes.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes at the Red Pumpkin!

  Get your Gnome and get good luck, get good luck, get good luck.

  Get your Gnome and get good luck at the Red Pumpkin!

  If you want good luck, answered wishes and to see your dreams come true, then come down to the Red Pumpkin Emporium and Get your lucky gnome today!

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes, get your gnomes, get your gnomes.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes at the Red Pumpkin!

  “Zombie. . .Zombie. . .ZOMBIE!”

  “Urrrgghhhh. . .wuzzat?”

  “Zombie, what happened to you?” Alex asked. “You just zoned out.”

  “Huh? Seriously?”

  “Yeah, dude. You okay?”

  “I don’t know. I was just thinking about how cool it would be to get a gnome.”

  “You are so weird,” Alex said.

  Then I looked around and all the other mob kids were staring at the TV and drooling. Kinda like when a new Minecraft update comes out.

  Now, what was really weird is that the only one that wasn’t affected was Alex.

  Man, things are getting so weird around here.

  Saturday

  Today I just spent the whole day at home, bored out of my skull.

  I really hate when that happens.

  Getting my skull back in can be a real pain sometimes.

  Anyway, I was bored because I’ve been banned from playing video games and from watching TV.

  My mom and dad said that they think I spend too much time in front of the screen.

  Something about it being bad for my eyes.

  Parents just don’t make any sense sometimes.

  So, I had to find something to do.

  I tried reading a book.

  But it felt too much like school, so I put an end to that quick.

  Then I tried to finish my new Minecraft Booger sculpture.

  But after adding a few extra parts, I got low on snot so I gave it a break.

  So, then I thought I could take a nap to pass the time.

  But when I was lying in bed, the weirdest thing happened.

  I could swear I heard a noise that sounded like little feet, again.

  I thought it was my little brother playing tricks, but then I remembered he went out with my mom and dad.

  Huh. Maybe the fumes from my sculpture are getting to me, I thought.

  They say that kids can get sick from inhaling too much snot fumes.

  So, I opened the window to get some fresh air.

  But then I noticed something was missing.

  Hey, where’s that creepy little gnome statue? I thought.

  Huh. Maybe mom finally realized how weird it was and got rid of it.

  So, after putting my sculpture away, I turned around to close the window again.

  What the what!

  When I looked outside again, there he was!

  The creepy little gnome was back!

  What is going on? I could swear that little troll wasn’t there a little while ago.

  Man, those snot fumes must’ve really gotten to me.

  So I tried forgetting the whole thing, and I just took my nap.

  “KRASH!”

  Something hit me on the head and woke me up again.

  Except this time, when I looked at the floor, it wasn’t my iron sword. It was my booger sculpture, and it was broken into a thousand pieces.

  What the what’n what is going on?!!

  Pit, pat, pit, pat, pit, pat.

  Then I heard those little feet again.

  Man, either I’m going crazy or something is just not right around here.

  Pit, pat, pit, pat, pit, pat.

  When I heard the feet again, I chased whatever it was out of my bedroom, down the stairs and out the back door.

  I was sure I was going to catch him.

  But when I got outside, there was nothing there.

  Just the same old dirt and grass, and the creepy little gnome.

  Except this time, I could swear I saw a creepy little smile on his face.

  Sunday

  Today, I got ready for bed.

  I put away all my toys in the dresser drawers so they wouldn’t hit me on the head.

  I took all the pictures down off the wall too.

  And I got rid of all sharp objects and anything that could maim, chop or dismember.

  Then I turned off the lights, went to bed, closed my eyes, and went to sleep.

  Pit, pat, pit, pat, pit, pat.

  Pit, pat, pit, pat, pit, pat.

  Pit, pat, pit, pat. . .

  “GOTHCHA!”

  I grabbed the little creature and stuffed him into a potato sack.

  He was wriggling and moving around, and he even kicked me in the face.

  But, I wasn’t letting go.

  I finally caught him, and I wanted some answers.

  So, I grabbed some rope and tied the bag really good.

  He kept moving around a lot, so I took the bag and I decided to practice some of my wrestling moves on it.

  First, I did the Ultimate Warrior Gorilla Suplex Smash on him. . .

  BOOM!

  Then I followed it up with the Triple Threat, Galactic Pile Driver. . .

  SLAM!

  Then I climbed on my bed and finished with the Quadruple Rope Elbow Dropkick. . .

  KAZOW!

  Yeah. . . the sound effects made it so much better.

  “Okay, I give up, I give up!” the little creature said.

  So then I turned on the lights.

  I undid the top of the potato sack, but I kept the little guy roped up.

  “I give up, I give up. . .you caught me,” he said.

  “Aha! I knew it was you!”

  “No more wrestling moves, please,” he said, stunned by my magnificence.

  “Okay. But I want answers, now,” I said.

  “Well, my name is Collywobbles the gnome, at your service,” the little guy said.

  “That’s a funny name,” I said, laughing.

  “Oh yeah? What kind of name is Zombie? That’s like calling somebody Dummy or Moron. So lame.”

  “Hey!” I said, getting on my bed for another Suplex Elbow Dropkick.

  “I take it back! I take it back!” he said after I showed him who’s boss.

  “I guess you can call me Laslow,” he said.

  “So, Laslow, why are you here?”

  “Well, I am a gnome, from a town called Snollygoster. It’s a wonderful Gnome town where we spend all day having fun and living the good gnome life away from all you weird Minecraft mob people.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. Father Notch put us there, and he promised us that one day he would introduce us to the Minecraft world in the next Minecraft update. But, alas, Father Notch never came.”

  “Uh. . .I have some bad news for you, dude. . .”

  “Anyway,” the little gnome continued, “we have been living in relative peace until one day we were kidnapped by a weird creature with a really big head, shaped like a pumpkin.
”

  “The Red Pumpkin!”

  “Yes. And we have been his slaves since. You see, he uses his magic power to control us, and he makes us do bad things to all of the families that buy us and bring us home.”

  “Wait. . .what?”

  “Yes, uh. . .sorry about the TV explosion thing, by the way,” Laslow said.

  “Wait. . .that was you?!!!”

  “Yes, and I really felt really bad about your school burning down, too.”

  “You’re kidding?”

  “And the skateboard by the stairs. . .and your booger sculpture. . .and. . .”

  “Wait, all that was you?!! And how about when I fell asleep and forgot my essay? That was you too?!!!”

  “Uh. . .no, that was all you, buddy.”

  Figures.

  Wow, all my bad luck. . .that was all Laslow.

  “Well, what about the witch’s curse?”

  “Oh, you mean your neighbor Gladys? She’s harmless. Don’t pay her no mind. She’s just a few cards short of a full deck, that one.”

  “Whoa, it totally makes sense now,” I said.

  “So, what about those creepy commercials?” I continued. “What are those for?”

  “The Red Pumpkin wants to get more and more families to buy gnomes so that on the next full moon, which is in a few days by the way, he’s going to unleash all the gnomes to attack and destroy your whole village.”

  I had to ask.

  “So how do we stop him?” I asked Laslow.

  “Well, we need to free all my comrades from the Red Pumpkin’s spell. But the only way is by finding the Red Pumpkin’s lair.

  “Where is it?”

  “Well, if you loosen these ropes, I can show you a map that shows you exactly where the Red Pumpkin lives.”

  I wasn’t sure if I could trust the little minion. Especially after finding out that he caused all the recent drama in my life.

  But he looked harmless enough. Plus, I think the little guy knew who was boss.

  So I loosened the ropes, and the little guy started reaching in his pockets.

  Then he turned around and said, “Sucker!”

  Pit, pat, pit, pat, pit, pat!

  And he ran away!

  Man, that’s what I get for believing a creepy little gnome.

  So then I just brushed my teeth and got ready for bed.

  And as I grabbed the potato sack from the floor, a picture fell out.

  I was hoping it was a picture of the map to the Red Pumpkin’s hideout.

  But, it wasn’t a picture of a map.

  It was just a picture of Laslow smiling. . .

  . . .while he cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush.

  Monday

  I had a tough time convincing my Mom that Laslow was really alive and that he ran away.

  “No really, Mom,” I said. “Laslow caused all these crazy things to happen, and he’s the reason I’ve been having all this bad luck. And he’s the reason I didn’t finish my essay.”

  Yeah, she didn’t buy it.

  But, you can’t blame a Zombie for trying.

  Anyway, since the school burned down, we didn’t have any school today.

  But my mom and dad still had to go to a parent-teacher conference.

  Something about bussing the kids to the Nether to finish off the semester.

  I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, though.

  Like, one time I gave a Zombie Pigman kid a high five. Next thing I know, all his friends ganged up on me.

  Talk about a bunch of hotheads.

  Anyway, I was home alone when I heard a familiar sound.

  Pit, pat, pit, pat, pit, pat.

  “Laslow! Is that you?”

  “Hello, Zombie,” Laslow said.

  “What are you doing here?” I said as I got up on the bed to do my Elbow Dropkick on him.

  “No, no, please. I need your help,” he said.

  “My help? For what? You already caused enough drama in my life.”

  “Please, Zombie. The Red Pumpkin has all my people under his spell, and he is planning to release his fury on your village in the next few days.”

  “So what do you need my help for?” I asked him.

  “I need your help to free my countrymen from the Red Pumpkin’s spell.”

  I could tell Laslow was serious. But I just didn’t know how much I could trust the little runt, though.

  But if he was right, and the Red Pumpkin does unleash his fury, then it could totally wipe out our village.

  Oh, man, here we go again.

  “Okay, I’ll help you,” I said. “But, you owe me a new toothbrush.”

  Laslow just looked at me. . .and smiled.

  Monday

  Later that day. . .

  Before we got to the Red Pumpkin’s lair, we met up with a few more of Laslow’s friends.

  “Hi, my name is Bumfuzzle,” one of the gnomes said.

  “My name is Cattywampus,” said another.

  “And my name is Kerfuffle,” the little one said.

  “And my name is Gardlyoo,” the girl one said.

  Wow, and I thought I had a weird name.

  They all seemed kinda nice, in a creepy bearded-troll kind of way.

  Yeah, even the girl had a beard too.

  The Red Pumpkin’s lair was in a big cave. But, when we got there, it was guarded by some even bigger gnomes than I had seen before.

  At the entrance, there was a line of gnomes tied up in Minecarts. They were being led inside the cave, up a rock hill that led to a big altar on the top.

  And, at the very top there was a giant green Emerald. And next to it was the Red Pumpkin and his cat sitting on a throne next to it.

  “Hey, that’s the Mind Emerald!” I said because I recognized it from the museum.

  So that’s how the Red Pumpkin is controlling all the gnomes, I thought.

  “So, what’s the plan?” I asked.

  “Well, you can’t go in there looking like that,” Laslow said. “You need a disguise.”

  Then the bearded girl handed me a costume.

  “Here you go,” she said. “We made it just for you.”

  It fit like a glove, which was kind of surprising.

  “Don’t forget the beard,” the girl gnome said.

  “So, how do I look?”

  “Whew-wee! If you weren’t a Zombie, I would marry you in a heartbeat,” the bearded girl said.

  Ewww!

  Okay, yeah, I did consider it.

  Don’t judge. . .I’ve been kinda lonely lately, you know. . .

  We were able to sneak into the cave without being detected.

  And we waited until the Red Pumpkin had to tinkle.

  Tinkle. . .tee, hee.

  Now the only one that was guarding the Emerald was the Red Pumpkin’s cat, which didn’t seem like a problem.

  “Hey, this is our chance,” I said. “It’s only the cat up there.”

  So, me and Laslow made it all the way to the top, where the altar was.

  Then we quietly snuck behind the Emerald so we wouldn’t wake up the cat.

  The Emerald was stuck in a big hole in the wall, so we needed to push it out.

  I squirmed in the hole behind the Emerald, and Laslow stood outside.

  “Okay, Laslow, let’s push on three. One. . .two. . .three. . .push!”

  We tried to move it, but it just wouldn’t budge.

  “One. . .two. . .three. . .push!”

  Nothing.

  “One. . .two. . .three. . .push!”

  Still nothing.

  Then, we decided to take a break.

  �
�Man, that’s really hard,” I said. “I’m not sure how we’re going to get that Emerald out of that hole.”

  “Out of hole? I thought you were telling me to push it in the hole.”

  Well, once we got coordinated, the Emerald started moving pretty easily.

  Suddenly, we heard, “MEOOOOOOWWW!”

  Next thing I know, the cat stepped on a button on the throne and the Emerald started glowing.

  All of a sudden, Laslow’s eyes started shining with a green glow.

  Then he started yelling and pointing in my direction.

  “MEEP, MEEP, MEEP!”

  “Shhh! Laslow keep quiet,” I whispered.

  And then my beard fell off.

  Suddenly, the whole place went crazy. The eyes of every gnome in the place glowed green, and they all started yelling.

  “MEEP, MEEP, MEEP!”

  So, I ran out of the cave as fast as I could.

  But then I ran into the rest of the gnome gang outside.

  “MEEP, MEEP, MEEP!”

  They all tried grabbed me. But it was a good thing that they were puny because I shook them off like a buck-toothed tick.

  Then, I got out of there as fast as I could.

  Tuesday

  I tried to tell my mom and dad about the Red Pumpkin and the gnomes this morning, but they thought I was still trying to make excuses about my essay so they didn’t believe me.

  So, I turned on our new TV to show them all the carnage the gnomes were causing all over the town.

  But there was nothing.

  I went to every channel, and nobody was talking about anything.

  “Zombie, please stop making up stories,” my mom said.