Cloudy with a Chance of Apocalypse Read online

  It sounds like my looks are going to be based on the luck of the draw.

  And that really creeps me out.

  Like, what if I turn out to look like some kind of weirdo?

  Or what if I turn out to look like some kind of monster?

  Or what if I end up looking like this guy?

  I mean, I’m sure this guy didn’t plan to look that ugly his whole life.

  Well, at least the good thing is that I didn’t have to worry about any changes these last few days.

  But I wish I could say the same about the guys.

  Like, Creepy got hit really hard this week.

  He’s still trying to get used to using his new legs right now.

  And Slimey got so big that he can’t even fit in school.

  But, at least now he can get back at all the kids that make fun at him.

  The good thing is that Darius got his fair share of body changes, too.

  I thought he was really going to get a taste of his own medicine.

  I was even getting my list of insults ready.

  But then he ended up becoming the best player on our school’s basketball team.

  And now he’s the most popular kid in school.

  Figures.

  Wednesday

  Later that day…

  Man, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

  No, really, I’ve got hair in my mouth now.

  That’s because I started growing hair where my lips would normally be.

  Yep, it just grew in like a few hours ago.

  The only problem is that now people are acting really weird around me.

  Like, after school, I bumped into Ms. Bones, my homeroom teacher.

  Next thing I know, she started brushing her wig back and doing some weird thing with her eye sockets.

  “Hey they’re good lookin’” she said.

  I didn’t know whether to run or hurl.

  So I just hurled.

  Bad move… I think it made it worse.

  And then everybody else started acting weird around me too.

  “Excuse me sir, would you like a job?” the principal said.

  “Excuse me sir, can you help me with my taxes?” an old lady said.

  “Excuse me sir, can you be my daddy?” the kid next door said.

  Yeah, it was crazy.

  Then my mom and dad took me and Wesley out to dinner at Freddy’s Arcade Emporium.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” the lady clerk said as I jumped into the ball pit.

  “Uh….playing?”

  “You should be ashamed of yourself!” she said.

  “Uh…OK.”

  I should’ve known she would be trouble. Especially when she gave my Dad a weird look for paying the PeeWee price for me and Wesley.

  When I got home my Dad said that I should probably shave.

  He said if my mustache kept growing, it would grow into my ears and eventually take over my head.

  He said that happened to my uncle once.

  They said he got lost and was never seen again.

  Man, I really started to like that mustache too.

  Dirk Manly would’ve been so proud.

  Thursday

  “OK, class, quiet down,” Ms. Crabb, our Phys Ed teacher, said. “Today we’re going to learn about what happens to a Minecraft mob’s body at your age. It seems like a lot of you kids have been going through some changes lately.”

  Boy, she wasn’t kidding.

  Our class looked like they just released a Mutant Creatures Mod in Minecraft.

  “First, I am going to hand out some questions. Please answer them as best as you can. And don’t worry, no one will know it was you.”

  Then Ms. Crabb passed out a sheet of paper with questions on it.

  Here’s what some of the questions said:

  Do your feet and hands seem to be in different places all the time?

  Wait, what?

  Have you turned into an eating machine? Like, have you ever woken up one morning and your pillow was gone?

  Whoa, I just thought my mom took it. . .

  Do you get weird-sized objects growing in strange places on your body? And do those objects ever speak to you from time to time?

  What the what?!!!

  Do your find that your hair and skin get so greasy that when you high five someone you end up on the floor?

  Whoa! I just thought I was clumsy.

  Do people hold their noses when they are around you? Or do they remove their noses when they are around you?

  Seriously?!! I just thought they didn’t like my jokes.

  Do your moods change from one minute to the next? Like are you’re really mad one minute but then you start crying all of a sudden?

  Ugh! I hate these questions!

  Sniff. . .but they’re so true. . .sniff, sniff.

  “OK, class, now turn in your papers,” Mrs. Crabb said. “And, remember, these are confidential. So, nobody will know it was you.”

  I don’t know. I have this strange feeling that the teachers get together in the teacher’s lounge and just read our papers out loud for laughs.

  “OK, class, now going through changes is absolutely normal,” Ms. Crabb said, “even though some of the things that happen to you can feel very strange.”

  “So don’t be surprised when you start growing hair where there was none before. . .like your eyeballs.”

  “And don’t be surprised if you start sweating more and start to smell human. Yes, it’s disgusting, but you can always use Odor-ant to cover it up.”

  “And don’t be surprised if your body seems to be doing its own thing. Like if parts of your body start to grow and change shape, it just means you’re becoming the mob you were meant to be. . . “

  “. . .Or, it could be the latest Minecraft update, which unfortunately means you’re out of luck.”

  Huh?!!!

  “And don’t be surprised if your voice starts to change or that you are more clumsy than usual. It’s only temporary,” she said.

  “Most importantly, don’t be surprised if you spontaneously grow emo-hair and feel moody all of a sudden. . .”

  Hey, was she looking at me?

  Hmph! Who cares about this class anyway.

  Friday

  CLICKETY CLACK, CLICKETY CLACK, CLICKETY CLACK.

  All right, where’s that article again?

  Here it is. . .

  ‘HOW TO BE A POPULAR ZOMBIE IN 3 EASY STEPS’

  OK. Now what’s the last thing I need to do to achieve middle school stardom?

  GET INVOLVED

  Joining a club or school activity is another way to broaden your horizons and to meet more people. Find something you’re interested in or even just curious about, and try to put yourself in a leadership role.

  Being more involved in school activities will help you get recognized; it put’s your name out there and helps you get to know more people from different walks of life.

  So get more involved, huh?

  Now what kind of school activity can a Zombie like me be involved in?

  It’s got to be something that will make me instantly popular.

  I guess that means I probably need to quit the Chess club, Robotics club, and definitely stay away from the World of Mobcraft clubs.

  Man, I’m gonna miss those.

  Suddenly, the clouds parted, and I heard a voice from heaven. . .

  “ALL THOSE INTERESTED IN RUNNING FOR STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT MUST SUBMIT THEIR NAMES BY THREE O’CLOCK TODAY AT THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE.”

  Well, it wasn’t Mojang, but it definitely felt like somebody up there likes me.

  So, I r
an to the principal’s office and submitted my name to run for school president.

  I found out there was only one other person running for school president.

  So I thought I had this totally in the bag.

  That is, until I read the name of the person I was running against. . .

  Urrrgh.

  Saturday

  “How am I supposed to beat Darius and become the next eighth grade student body president?”

  “I don’t know,” Slimey said. “But it says here that the election is next week Wednesday. That means you have a few days to get as many votes as you can.”

  “Yeah, and right now, Darius is the most popular kid in school,” Skelly said. “But, you know, I’m kinda surprised Darius is the only one running.”

  “Yeah, I think he threatened every kid who was running to drop out of the race.”

  “Well Zombie, your only chance to get the most votes is at the eighth-grade assembly, which is happening in the auditorium right before they vote,” Creepy said. “So you need to come up with a seriously killer speech.”

  “Yeah, like promise them something that every kid wants. . .like no more homework. . . or cancel all gym classes,” Skelly said.

  “Or, you could promise them that every bully in school will have to pay a million dollars to every kid they ever tormented in school. . .especially those they gave wedgies to,” Creepy said stroking his behind.

  “Or you could do arm farts. Those’ll get you a lot of votes,” Slimey said.

  You know, the guys were right.

  Something told me that if I was going to be student president that I needed to give the kids at school something so awesome, they would have to make me president.

  But what could it be?

  What could it be?

  Sunday

  I went to go visit Steve today to see what he was up to.

  “Hey, Zombie. Wassup, brah?”

  “What in the world is that?” I asked, pointing to the huge mountain that was behind his house.

  “Man, I don’t know. All I know is that I went to visit Glenda the witch to get some supplies, and when I got back there it was.”

  There was also a group of people in white coats setting up equipment at the bottom of the mountain.

  “Hey, I know that guy,” I said, pointing at the Wither Skeleton in the suit. “He was one of the tour guides at the Nether museum.”

  “Dude, we should go find out what’s up,” Steve said.

  So we went up to the group of about ten people who were setting up equipment.

  “Hey, mister, why are you guys setting up in my backyard?” Steve asked.

  “Uh. . . no important reason. We’re just taking soil samples to make sure that the. . .um. . .the environment is nice and healthy to grow flowers here.”

  I was getting that feeling again. Like that this guy was hiding something.

  “Hey, aren’t you Skelly’s uncle, Dr. Patella?” I asked.

  “Yes, yes, I am.”

  “Skelly said that you’re part of the research team that’s studying the Nether volcano,” I said. “I guess you’re checking to see if the volcano is going to erupt, right?”

  I was trying to be sneaky and get as much information as I could.

  “Oh no, no, no, no, no. . . ahem. I’m actually just here. . . uh. . .checking to see if the cactuses are growing like they should. But. . . excuse me, I have to go!” he said as he scurried away like a rat.

  “I don’t know, man. Something tells me that there’s a lot more going on than he’s letting on.”

  Then Steve and I both looked at each other. . .

  “Dun, Dun, Duuuunnn!”

  “PFFFFFFFTTTTT!!!”

  Then we just broke out laughing.

  “Hey, Zombie, come check this out,” Steve said as we walked back to his house.

  Inside his house was a brewing stand with a few potions brewing.

  “What’s all that for?” I asked.

  “Well, I’m trying to come up with a potion that can cure every kid of ever having to go through puberty. And if it works, I’ll be rich!”

  “Well, does it work?”

  “I don’t know. But I need somebody to try it on,” Steve said while rubbing his hands and looking at me with a really weird smile on his face.

  “No way, no way, no way!” I said. “You remember what happened last time. Not only did I almost lose all my street cred, I almost got eaten by a killer rabbit on the way home.”

  “All right. I guess I could test it on some of the villagers around here. It’s not like anybody can hear their screams anyway,” he said.

  Then we both looked at each other. . .

  “Dun, Dun, Duuuunnn!”

  “PFFFFFFFTTTTT!!!”

  Monday

  I spent the entire day giving out flyers to get more votes for the school election.

  ‘ZOMBIE FOR PRESIDENT’ is what it said. ‘VOTE FOR ME AND GET A FREE A+ IN EVERY CLASS.’

  The kids seemed to really like it.

  But, I really think it was because of my arm farts. Those always attract a crowd.

  Though, I was wondering how I was going deliver on my campaign promises, and get every kid a FREE A+ in every class.

  But I didn’t have time to think about the details right now.

  I just needed to get as many votes as possible.

  “ZOMBIE FOR PRESIDENT!”

  “VOTE FOR ME AND GET A FREE A+ IN EVERY CLASS!”

  PFFPTT! PFFPTT! PFFPTT!

  “ZOMBIE FOR PRESIDENT!”

  “VOTE FOR ME AND GET A FREE A+ IN EVERY CLASS!”

  PFFPTT! PFFPTT! PFFPTT!

  Tuesday

  “Hey, Zombie, all the kids in school are talking about you!” Slimey said.

  “Yeah, it looks like you just might win the election after all,” Creepy said.

  “You just have to clinch it with your speech tomorrow, and you got this in the bag,” Skelly said.

  Oh, man, I can imagine it now. . .

  ZACK ZOMBIE HAS BEEN ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE MINECRAFT MOB MIDDLE SCHOOL!

  RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

  IN A STUNNING LANDSLIDE UPSET, THIS ALL-AROUND GREAT GUY HAS BECOME THE MOST POPULAR KID EVER IN ALL OF MOB MIDDLE SCHOOL HISTORY!

  RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

  . . .AND HIS ARM FARTS ARE LEGENDARY!

  RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

  “Hey, Zombie, what are you looking up at?” Skelly asked.

  “Nuthin’. I’m good. . .I’m good.”

  RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!

  Suddenly, the ground started to shake again. But this time we felt it in school!

  “What was that?!!!” Slimey asked.

  “I don’t know, but I think it was the volcano,” I said.

  “The volcano?!!!!” Skelly blurted.

  “HSSSSSSSSSS!” was all Creepy had to say.

  “Yeah, Steve said it passes gas like that once in a while. But, this is weird. I never felt it in school before.”

  Oh, man, I hope that thing doesn’t ruin the election.

  This is like my only chance to be the most popular kid in school, and I can’t let anything stop me right now.

  But how in the world am I supposed to stop a volcano?

  Wednesday

  “So vote for me because I’m cool, and Zombie’s a fool,” Darius yelled. “Peace out!”

  Bump! SKRREEEECH!

  “OK, everyone. Let’s give a round of applause for Darius Flenderman for that. . .uh. . .very colorful speech,” the principal said.

  Clap, clap, clap, yawn, clap.

  “And now we will take a five-minute break, and after that we will have Zack Zombie come up and tell us why h
e should be president of the eighth-grade student body,” the principal said. “And please no mic dropping. . .that equipment is expensive.”

  Well, this is it.

  I got my speech ready, and I practiced my secret clinch move that I’m going to pull out to seal the deal!

  The good thing is that besides a few pimples that have disappeared from my forehead, it seems like my body is keeping it together.

  I haven’t heard any rumbling either, so I don’t think I have to worry about any volcanos.

  Man, what was I thinking. . .That volcano hasn’t erupted in like 600,000 years. There’s no way that thing is gonna mess with me now.

  Anyway, now is my turn to shine!

  “Everyone, please give a warm welcome to Zack Zombie.”

  Clap, clap, yawn, clap, clap.

  “Uh. . .Hi, everybody. My name is Zack Zombie, and I’m. . .um, running for school president.”

  Cricket, cricket. Cricket.

  “Uh. . .I wanted to start by telling you why you should make me president. You should make me president because I promise to. . .uh. . .I promise to get rid of homework forever!”

  “Yeah!” Clap, clap, clap, clap!

  “I promise to. . .make school only one hour every day!”

  “Yeah, Zombie! Woohoo!” Clap, clap, clap, clap!

  “I promise to make every teacher eat the lunchroom food!”

  “YEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!”

  “I promise to make all bullies pay one million dollars to every kid they ever messed with!”

  WOOOHHOOOO!!!!